What did actress Nia Vardalos, former children’s laureate Malorie Blackman, author Joanne Harris and director Edgar Wright discover that they had in common recently? They have all been rejected multiple times – and, what’s more, they’re proud of it.

Vardalos revealed that she was dumped by her agent for “not being pretty” and told by her manager “actors can’t be writers”. A year later, she starred in her first screenplay, My Big Fat Greek Wedding.

Blackman said she received 82 rejection letters before she was published. Later, she was told that her novel Noughts & Crosses had been rejected for a literary award because “it would have shown more insight if a white author had written it”.

Harris was sent rejection letters for what would become her bestselling novel Chocolat that described her manuscript as “too parochial” and “too European”, advising her to set it in the US and “dump the food”.

Wright revealed: “I was passed over for a TV commercial to be done in the style of Spaced, even though I was the actual director of Spaced.”

Usually, the connection between rejection and success is kept private. But a public outpouring recently on social media – not only by celebrities but by others using the #ShareYourRejections hashtag – questions why this is so. What is there to fear from rejection? And why do some people seem to cope with it better than others?

Jia Jiang spent 100 days seeking out rejection and then wrote a book about his experiences, Rejection Proof: How to Beat Fear and Become Invincible. “I realised my fear of being rejected was worse than the rejection itself. I started losing my fear and having fun instead,” he said.

He thinks everyone should practise getting rejected for unimportant things that don’t hurt too much. “It’s a skill to be able to handle rejection in a way that helps turn a ‘no’ into a ‘yes’. Practising being rejected when the stakes are low sets you up for success when it’s more serious. Persistence and tenacity can get you far. If you want to be successful and make an impact while you are on earth, you’re going to have to face rejection. If you run away from it the whole time, you’re going to have regrets.”

Clinical psychologist Dr Jessamy Hibberd says that the way you interpret rejection is important. “Most things worth doing take time and patience. Instead of telling yourself a rejection means ‘I’m not good at this’, you could interpret it as: ‘I’m not there yet’ or ‘this is just one person’s view’. Times when you’ve been rejected and felt disappointed but coped with it fine can be helpful to hold on to, because it makes you fear rejection less in the future and go for things more. You feel like you’ve got less to risk.”

The young adult author Shannon Hale, who busts all the gender stereotypes about princesses with her latest illustrated series The Princess in Black, received a letter every week for two years rejecting her multiple award-winning first novel, The Goose Girl. “If you’re a man and you write about boys, you have a much better chance of getting published, because those books are marketed at everyone, while women who write books about girls are often marketed solely at girls.”

Similarly, books by white authors about white families are perceived to have a universal appeal by publishers, while books by writers of colour featuring BAME characters are seen as niche, she says, resulting in smaller publishing quotas for more diverse writers. “We want to believe it’s a meritocracy but everyone has unconscious biases. Not everyone’s going to love what you do, and that’s not necessarily anything to do with how talented you are.”

When visiting schools, she talks to children about coping with rejection. Under #ShareYourRejections, she posted a photo of herself in a school assembly hall, laying down all her rejection letters in a long, laminated line. “There were times I wanted to give up but I had people in my life who believed in me – their support was crucial – and I felt writing was the only career that would make me happy.” Rejection was good for her, she thinks. “It can be motivating. It’s such a good feeling when you prove them wrong. I feel like I can weather just about everything now.”

Nadia Latif, 34, associate director of the Young Vic, is equally positive about the fact that she was rejected from hundreds of directing jobs and bursaries in her 20s. “Being rejected has made me incredibly clear and uncompromising about who I am and my creative practice. It’s given me a sense of defiance. I want to make work that sticks it to power.”

Every time she received a rejection, she would fire off three emails pursuing a new connection or opportunity. “I didn’t take it too personally. Everyone knows that being part of a creative industry means dealing with rejection, and I wasn’t going to let it get to me. I’ve wanted to be a director since I was at school. I’m the eldest of six so I was the family trailblazer – and I have dogged self-belief.”

As a black Muslim woman, she often found it difficult to put her finger on why she was rejected, however. “Any oppressed group brings an extra level of baggage into the process. already got an anxiety about being ‘other’ before you get rejected.” Systemic racism, she points out, can be really subtle. “There are very few black female theatre directors with visible careers. If more diverse people were doing the interviews, maybe you’d get more diversity getting through.”

Jiang agrees that minorities get rejected more than majorities, and thinks that being white and male enables an advantageous mindset. “If you’re in the majority, no part of you thinks you were rejected because of your race or sex. It may be easier to think creatively about how to improve and overcome each rejection, instead of feeling rejection is inevitable and insurmountable.”

When Jeff Ollerton, professor of biodiversity at the University of Northampton, had a paper rejected by a journal for being “not very interesting”, he was one of the many #ShareYourRejections Twitter users who refused to take no for an answer. “I got quite cross,” he says. “I knew from my own experience there would be interest in it and that we all make bad judgments. I wrote to the editor that the reviewers were wrong and the rejection was shabby.” The journal eventually backed down and published the paper, which has since been cited more than 1,110 times.

On social media, University of Glasgow professor Jo Sharp revealed that she had a paper rejected once because she “didn’t seem to know the work of Jo Sharp well enough”. “I found it quite funny. I was relieved I clearly wasn’t too dependent on self-citation.”

Some rejections can be especially personal. Patrick Gilmore, a brand strategist, tweeted that, when he first asked out his wife five years ago, she told him she only wanted to be friends. He had received a rejection letter that day for a book he was writing. “I thought: I’m not being turned down twice in one day. I’ve often been described as a stubborn bastard. I knew I really liked her and I figured I had nothing to lose except my pride.” He agreed to meet up “as friends” and was optimistic the date would go well – which it did. The couple now have a two-year-old son and another baby on the way. “I sometimes think about what my life would be like if I had just accepted my wife’s rejection. I feel very lucky.”

Try, try, try again

• Remember that no rejection is final, says Jiang – nor should it be the end of a conversation. “Always ask why you’ve been rejected and then ask for something else: explain why what you’re offering is valuable, tell them why you really want to do this, and ask them who can help you.”

• Give yourself time to succeed, says Hibberd. “Don’t expect to get it right first time. More often than not, you’re going to take a few wrong turns before you work out the right turn.”

• Consider the way you talk to yourself about rejection. Knowing why you failed is not useless information, Hibberd argues. “The more you keep going, the more helpful information you’ll get about how to succeed. Find a way to think: ‘Right, I’m going to show them.’”