Name: Scroll Free September.

Age: Just a few days old.

Appearance: Weary, stale, flat, unprofitable – at first.

What is it? It’s the latest month-long privation campaign, in a similar vein to Stoptober (no smoking) and Dry January (no booze).

Oh no. What are we giving up now? Social media.

What are we protesting against? Nothing. It’s just supposed to be good for you.

In what way? By cutting out social media, you can uncover those aspects of it “that may be having a more negative impact on your wellbeing”, according to the Royal Society for Public Health (RSPH), which launched the initiative.

Can you give me some examples of these alleged negative impacts? Overuse of social media can affect your sleep, your self-esteem and your relationships, according to the RSPH.

But all my relationships happen on social media. Maybe not this month – an estimated 320,000 people have pledged to take part in Scroll-Free September.

News to me. How did they even hear about it? It was all over Twitter.

That explains it. I was too busy reading the comments under the video of my gym routine I posted on Instagram. You will have to give that up, I’m afraid.

I can’t live without my daily workout! You can still do the exercises – just don’t post them.

Sorry, but what would be the point of that? The point is to try it.

But that would be like ordering a meal in a restaurant and not taking a picture of the food. Exactly. You just eat the food instead.

What do you mean, you just eat the food? Have you lost your mind? Relax. It’s not the end of the world – just a month without Facebook.

What am I supposed to do with all the extra time? You could arrange to meet friends in a real-life setting.

Don’t be silly. My friends aren’t real. Or you could go for a walk in the woods to reconnect with nature.

Please, God, stop it. Or you could have sex.

But I … Hang on – are you offering? No.

I wonder how Facebook and Twitter feel about being considered harmful addictive substances worthy of their own month of abstention. We’ll have to wait until October to find out.

Do say: “This month I rediscovered simple pleasures, like sitting on the floor in a darkened room, throwing playing cards into an upturned hat.”

Don’t say: “Of course I miss Twitter, but I’ve really caught up on my smoking and drinking.”