Name: Tough Mudder.
Age: Eight.
Appearance: A million topless letting agents, paying through the nose to go on some monkey bars.
Briefly explain what this is. Tough Mudder is a company that stages 10-mile obstacle-course races around the world.
Ooh, this sounds like fun. Quick guess: are you having a midlife crisis?
Sorry, I can’t hear you over the sound of these leather trousers. I knew it. A Bupa Health Clinics study has revealed the most common signs that you have reached a midlife turning point. Signing up for a competitive event such as Tough Mudder came first for men.
What came second? Going vegan. You haven’t gone vegan as well, have you?
Yes. Oh God, I’m a cartoon. Tell me more about Tough Mudder. A typical event contains obstacles such as King of the Mountain, Ladder to Hell and Hero Walls.
Which are? A pile of hay bales, a wooden ladder and, um, a wall.
That doesn’t sound very tough. You get a headband at the end. You know, like Rambo. He was quite tough.
He was also fictional. OK, fine, Tough Mudder isn’t that hard. It is a moderate-distance run peppered with stuff to jump over and climb through. More than 3 million people have taken part in Tough Mudder events; the number wouldn’t be so high if it were as difficult as everyone makes out.
But is it a good bonding exercise? It depends. Does your idea of bonding involve hitching yourself to a caricature of traditional masculinity in an era when the well-off have to purchase their own suffering?
It sure does! Great, feel free to sign up. There is one in Sussex in a few weeks. It is £139 a person.
What the hell? Oh, and a 7.8% “processing fee”. Plus extra for parking. And extra if you want to leave your stuff somewhere safe. And if you want to bring any spectators, they will have to pay £10 each, too.
Just to watch? I feel as though I’m being robbed. Welcome to the Tough Mudder experience, where the hardest obstacle is leaving with any money. But who cares? This is your midlife crisis! Spending vast sums of money on a frivolity is an integral part of that.
Isn’t there anything easier to do? Lots of people mark their midlife crisis by cutting down on booze. So no, there is nothing easier to do.
Do say: “My midlife crisis is unavoidable! Someone sign me up for a Tough Mudder!”
Don’t say: “Can’t I just leave my wife for someone the same age as my daughter?”
