Beginner
“Nowadays many people start their sexual journey with porn,” says the sex educator and author of The Curious History of Dating, Nichi Hodgson. In fact in a recent study of 1,000 18 to 25-year-olds, 45% said that porn was their main source of sex education, while in a 2016 study commissioned by the NSPCC, more than a third (39%) of the 13 to 14-year-olds said they wanted to copy the behaviour they had seen in porn. “The upcoming age restrictions [on porn sites] will make it less likely that young people just stumble across this content, but there still needs to be a degree of shame-free porn literacy,” says Hodgson.
At the beginning of a sexual journey, people need to understand that anything they watch online is performative – “it is there to give you pleasure as a viewer, but not necessarily to be copied”.
Experimentation can be the best part of sex but those who are just starting out should treat this process with care. “It’s going to be scary at times but the best thing to do is communicate, communicate, communicate,” says Riyadh Khalaf, the broadcaster, YouTuber and author of Yay! You’re Gay! (Now What?). “Tell your partner, ‘this is my first time, or this is my second time, I may change my mind and I need you to be OK with that’, and make them tell you that they understand.” Feeling nervous or a little insecure are all pretty normal at the beginning, “but remember you are in the driving seat of your sexual journey”, he continues. “Sex can mean a whole host of different acts. Why not start with a kiss and a cuddle? Take things slow, and let the tension between you build.”
Fantasy and masturbation are the first steps in understanding our sexual desires, our boundaries, and in gaining sexual confidence. “Fantasy is particularly important for LGBT+ individuals. Same-sex relationship education is seriously lacking in many parts of the world; people might start having their first sexual inklings at the age of 12. During that time, though, they’re possibly hearing from parents, teachers and politicians that being gay is shameful and wrong,” says Khalaf. “My advice? Before you tell anyone else how you’re feeling, allow yourself to play in the world of fantasy. When you’re afraid of your sexuality, you very quickly shut that down. Before coming out, for instance, I tried to brainwash myself into thinking about breasts all the time because I was told that’s the way a boy should be. Instead, just let your mind wander into its own sexual playground, without trying to push the thoughts away.”
Once you have an idea of the kind of sex you’d like to have, it’s time to focus on boundaries. “Sexual experiences with a partner should begin with a really good understanding of consent,” says Hodgson.
This should be an ongoing conversation. “Films and TV have created this fiction that you’re supposed to know, telepathically, what other people want,” says Khalaf. “In the real world, it’s OK to ask. Yes, you might feel awkward asking someone ‘can I kiss you?’ or ‘do you want to try oral sex?’ But have a giggle about it. Knowing that the other person is on the same wavelength, and making it funny and fun, will ensure that both your experiences are relaxed and enjoyable.”
Rising levels of dopamine in the brain during adolescence means that teenage “beginners” are “sensation seekers”, attracted by novelty but without the experience and wisdom to avoid making rash decisions – this can be compounded when you add the powerful rush of emotions when two people start to fall for each other.
“This is where knowing your own boundaries becomes important,” says Hodgson. “They can be flexible, they can change over time, and in different situations, but there should be some kind of firm line. If you’re uncomfortable being touched in a certain way, you’ve reached a boundary. Or if you’ve considered it and there’s an act you don’t yet want to try, say ‘no’ and be willing to stick to that,” she says.
“If anyone creates a sense of urgency in a relationship, take that as a red flag – you have loads of time and, as a general rule, the more you allow yourself to make a decision, the less likely you are to regret that decision later.”
Intermediate
With the advent of Grindr in 2009 and then Tinder in 2012, the sexual landscape changed for ever. “There’s a lot of negative feeling towards so-called ‘hook-up culture’,” says the blogger Oloni, sexual wellness and relationship expert and host of the Laid Bare podcast. “But there are some positives to it too. In the past, everything from religion to Hollywood sold us the idea that we couldn’t, and shouldn’t, enjoy sex unless it was with the ‘right’ person. But how often did the person we lost our virginity to end up being the ‘right’ one? And even if we’d found the right person, that didn’t mean that the sex would automatically be great. It was a lot of pressure. Now we’re in a period where we are allowed to feel a sense of joy about the sex itself, we can focus on the experience, and on how good it can make us feel, it doesn’t all have to be about finding ‘The One’.”
Casual sex can be an opportunity for self-discovery. “If that’s what you want, masturbation is a good starting point,” says Oloni. “Sex is a journey but you need to have an idea of where on that journey you’d like to go, which means you need to understand your body. Step away from porn, and work with your own fantasies – so that when it comes to having sex with a partner you know what turns you on, without being in front of a screen. Then guide your partner – say ‘this really turns me on’ or ‘I’d love to try this with you’ – don’t keep what you’ve learned a secret.”
Sexual experiences might still be nerve-racking, but building up body confidence can help to overcome first-night jitters. “Be mindful of what media you consume,” says Oloni. “Seeing only super-toned gym models will give you a warped idea of how your body should look. I’ve had to unfollow so many people [on Instagram] who’ve had plastic surgery because they made me feel bad about my body. Expose yourself to more ‘real’ bodies.”
In fact, one study by researchers at Goldsmiths, University of London, which surveyed 850 people, found that those who spent time naked or partially naked around others (say topless sunbathing or nude swimming) had higher levels of body satisfaction and were happier on the whole. “Revel in your body,” says Oloni, “figure out its kinks and quirks and enjoy it.”
In terms of dating, “don’t put all your eggs in one basket”, she advises. “Be realistic, no one focuses all their energies on the person they’ve just started messaging, so take your time before you get emotionally invested.” And as for the dates themselves: “I always recommend speaking to someone on the phone before a first date; you get a much better sense of whether you’ll have a spark. Also, try daytime dates – being drunk makes it more difficult to get to know someone.”
Khalaf agrees: “Online dating platforms can be incredible places to find fun, titillation and sex but, particularly if you’re LGBTQ+ or curious, they can also be great places to find community. I’ve made a lot of friends through apps. You don’t need to jump straight into sex – it can be a really rewarding experience to just sit in the park and talk. Just be clear on your profile about what kind of encounter you’re looking for.”
Of course, more relaxed attitudes to casual sex have thrown up plenty of issues too. Last year the Commons health and social care select committee launched an inquiry into sexual health after it was found that new diagnoses for gonorrhoea increased 66% between 2012 and 2017, while syphilis jumped 136%.
“People feel that anything can be cured by a trip to the doctor,” says Oloni, “but left untreated something like chlamydia can damage a woman’s reproductive system. Your sexual health is in your hands, so use a condom.” Don’t forget to look after your emotional health, too. “If casual sex isn’t your thing,” says Oloni, “then let it be known and stick to your guns. If someone says they don’t want anything serious, you have to believe them and not expect them to suddenly catch feelings. It’ll save you a lot of heartache.”
Equally, Khalaf points out that apps such as Grindr can be a fraught place. “There’s a lot of anonymous racism and body shaming, so self-care is very important. If someone says something that is damaging or hurtful, then immediately block them. And take breaks from the app.
“There will be cruel people out there – but just understand that it’s mostly a reflection of how they feel about themselves.”
In the age of #couplegoals, #baegoals and toxic competitiveness, it’s easy to feel like everyone else is in a magical relationship, though as Oloni points out, “what you see online is someone’s highlight reel. Don’t get sucked into comparing yourself, just know that your time for a relationship will come.” And once you find someone “it can be magical,” says Oloni. “As long as you lay the foundations for good communication early on.” She recommends minimising “relationship screen time”.
“Make sure you’re never arguing through text as it’s too easy for meanings to be misconstrued. And never pour your heart out to someone via a message – there’s nothing more crushing getting an ‘ok’ back. Pick up the phone, or have a face to face conversation.”
Experienced
“The No 1 job for those in the ‘experienced’ bracket is to challenge the myths they’ve created around sex,” says the marital therapist and author of The Happy Couple’s Handbook, Andrew G Marshall. “The most common is that of instant sex – that we’re going to be so in love and so turned on that sex will just happen magically, that both parties should just ‘naturally’ feel like getting into it. In a world of endless ‘to do’ lists and of commitments to children or elderly parents, that’s just not realistic.”
Studies have found that the various and competing practical commitments that people take on in their middle years can cause a significant spike in stress; in turn, the stress hormone cortisol has been found to interfere with the production of the hormones that govern reproduction and arousal. From an evolutionary perspective, this makes sense – cortisol is released when we enter survival mode, a time when it would be particularly unhelpful to be distracted by sex.
Scheduling a time to feel “in the mood” might seem unrealistic, “but that doesn’t mean you can’t schedule intimacy”, says Marshall. “Widen your definition of ‘sex’ so that it’s not limited to penetrative intercourse. It can mean putting on some music and slow dancing, you might have a bath together. Often, once you’re in that sensual space, you do get in the mood – but if you don’t because you’re too tired, it doesn’t matter. You’ve got this foundation – this zone of sensuality, and that’s important in sustaining spark.”
Another myth is that by now you should know exactly what turns you on and how your body works but as Marshall points out, “sex is a continuum – what you like changes as you age and accrue different life experiences. You can’t expect to have the same sex now as you did 20 years ago, and for it to be just as exciting or fulfilling.”
Marshall points out that those in long-term relationships have a tendency to outsource their sexuality – expecting a partner to make them feel sexy, wanted and in the mood. “And then when it doesn’t happen, you blame them for not bolstering you sufficiently. But you need to take responsibility for stoking your own fires.” He recommends allowing yourself time to “simmer” throughout the day. “We too quickly shut off sexual feelings when they arise and then expect to just switch ourselves on when we get home at 6pm. It’s not realistic. Instead, allow yourself the time to have erotic daydreams. Imagine what a fling with your celebrity crush might be like. Let your sexual energy and desirous feelings build up.”
According to the latest government figures, the age that (opposite-sex) couples are most likely to divorce is 45, and according to the US-based Institute for Family Studies, those in their 50s are the ones most likely to have affairs, so sex with a new partner may be on the cards. “Be ready – the dating world has changed beyond all recognition,” says Marshall. “People have multiple irons in the fire and unless there has been a discussion about it, you shouldn’t assume that you are exclusive with the person you’re speaking to.” None of this is necessarily bad, though: “Use this opportunity to experiment,” he continues. “Perhaps there are experiences you’ve always been curious about. Perhaps you’re curious about your sexuality. This is your time to explore. You don’t need labels yet, you just need to be open.” You might feel as nervous as you did in the beginner’s phase, but as Marshall explains, “be willing to interrogate any feelings of shame or fear that come up when you’re exploring something that excites you. Whose voice are you hearing in your head? Whose values do you feel you are offending? If they are things instilled by parents or society, it’s OK to challenge them.”
Mature
Intimacy can be particularly important in older age. A recent study by Anglia Ruskin University and UCL, analysing survey data from 6,879 adults with an average age of 65, found that those who reported any type of sexual activity in the previous 12 months had a higher life-enjoyment score than those who were not sexually active.
There are many people for whom age and experience is empowering. “People do get to a certain age and think, ‘if I can’t say what I want and do what I want now, then when?’” says Denise Knowles, a relationship and psychosexual therapist with Relate. “I think that’s great, as long as they’re safe about it. If they’re meeting new partners, I always recommend using condoms – just because pregnancy isn’t a possibility, doesn’t mean that STIs aren’t.”
Still, sex in older age may require a period of re-education. As Knowles explains, “health-related issues can arise; after menopause, a woman may have difficulty because of issues with lubrication and changes in the lining of the vagina. Equally, a man may struggle to get or maintain an erection. All of this is perfectly normal and you can have many wonderful sexual experiences when you challenge the belief that sex means penetrative intercourse.”
Kissing, intimate touching and oral sex, she says, can be as much a part of a fulfilling sex life. In fact, in the Anglia Ruskin and UCL study, a greater frequency of kissing, petting and fondling was what caused an uptick in life enjoyment for older women, not penetrative intercourse. “Not being able to ‘perform’ in the way you’re used to may cause you to withdraw from sex, leaving your partner feeling abandoned,” explains Knowles. “So it’s important that you spend time exploring the different sensations both your bodies respond to now. I encounter many people in their 70s and beyond who perhaps knew themselves at 20 but haven’t evolved their sexual practices since.”
Start by reacquainting yourself with your body. “Next time you’re in the bath or shower, instead of just washing in a perfunctory manner , take time to caress your skin. Notice how the touch makes you feel. It’s much easier to enjoy a sexual experience with another person when you appreciate your own body.”
Boundaries and consent are just as important now as they were at the beginner’s phase. “Building trust with a partner – whether that’s a new person, or someone you’ve been with for years and would like to be more intimate with – is the first step,” says Knowles. “That involves having an open conversation about what your expectations are when it comes to sex.” There’s nothing wrong with being clear about the fact that you might need the other person to stop, “even if it sounds prescriptive, saying to someone, ‘I might want to ask you to stop at any point and I need to know that you’ll respect my wishes,’ will help build a deeper level of trust.”
Many emotions can be stirred up by this process; “anxiety and even shame are common”, she says. “There’s a sense that older people should know about sex because they have life experience, but that’s not necessarily the case.” But trying to undo the habits of a lifetime won’t happen overnight. Knowles recommends “examining the beliefs you’re holding on to; at which point in your life did they become fixed in your mind? Often a person is working with a set of sexual standards and expectations that are 30 or 40 years old. If this is the case, you need to consider how much you and your body have changed since then.”
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