Take a deep breath and come to a comfortable seated position: we could all do with some spiritual healing right now, but especially the music industry. Postponed festivals, cancelled tours and closed borders mean a predicted billions of dollars’ worth of losses globally and a hell of a lot of unemployed guitarists this spring, leading into summer. As mass gatherings continue to be banned quicker than you can say social distancing, the antithesis is surely the meditation tape. Soothing, safe, and you can use them alone at home without having to wipe every surface down with Wet Ones first.
They are also big business. According to TechCrunch.com, the top 10 meditation apps pulled in $195m in 2019, up 52% from 2018, with Calm grossing $92m and Headspace $56m. Musicians, never ones to miss a trend opportunity (hello branded cannabis), have already started wafting into this lucrative space. Last year, Sam Smith channelled his inner Brian Eno and did an ambient remix of his single How Do You Sleep, in partnership with Calm. Whether you find its rippling synths calming or actually quite stressful is another matter. Ditto the attempt from rapper RZA of Wu-Tang Clan. His latest film is called Cut Throat City, so he seems the natural choice to lead a guided meditation for a brand of tea. His “audio experience” is designed so you can “unlock your hidden powers”, to a soundtrack of cinematic hip-hop. His script is, it must said, fairly powerful. “This how you exert your gravitational force on the chaos around you,” he intones, sounding not unlike he’s about to announce the end of the world. Fitting, etc.
The best attempt so far has come from Belgian-Caribbean electronic-pop artist Charlotte Adigéry, who last winter put out a Yin Yang tape on Soulwax’s Deewee label. She lulls listeners into a false sense of security with the sound of plainsong before delivering what is actually a 17-minute meditation on her own neuroses (dieting, coffee, work, image). It is brilliantly candid and employs some gummy ASMR techniques. “I grew up watching American TV shows,” she says, as a synthetic choir sings, “and now I have this weird, hybrid Flemish-American accent that makes me feel like a fake.”
No one has yet matched the OG of celebrity relaxation tapes, Jeff Bridges, who has a voice like a crackling fire in a wood, put to excellent use on 2015’s Dreaming With Jeff, a psychedelic album-cum-sleep aid that was favourably reviewed. But there is potential. Billie Eilish, already a noted fan of ASMR, has a coveted whisper that seems custom-made for helping you chillax. And, at the other end of the vocal texture scale, some Tom Waits bedtime stories would not go amiss. One thing is for sure: the demand has never been greater.
