The only constant is change, said Heraclitus in about 500BC, yet we are rarely prepared for the significant transitions in our lives. Julia Samuel, a psychotherapist and grief counsellor, has followed up her acclaimed debut, Grief Works, with these “accounts of change, crisis and hopeful beginnings” organised around the themes of family, love, work, health and identity. She draws on patient case studies as well as the insights of 30 years of clinical practice.
Relationships of all types must adapt to survive; Samuel quips that she herself has had five different marriages, all with the same husband. We meet a mother learning to loosen the grip on her adult daughter, and a man adjusting to the upheaval of new fatherhood. In her discussion of love, Samuel explores “the friction between the desire for predictability versus freedom – safety versus excitement”. She shares stories about marriage, infidelity, sexual obsession and looking for love at various stages of life. Maria, a married woman with a steady lover, is struggling to overcome an infatuation with a second lover (where does she find the time?) after he breaks off the affair. All those involved, including her husband, are respectful of the relationships.
Samuel considers first jobs, maternity leave, getting fired and retiring. The theme of health covers expected changes, such as the menopause, as well as illness. A story from Grief Works about a family mourning their four-year-old who died in a swimming pool has continued to haunt me. The most heart-wrenching case here is that of Ben, a widowed father of two who has just started to adjust to his bereavement when he receives a life-threatening cancer diagnosis. Samuel has not cherry-picked cases to portray herself as a saviour. Nor does she consider therapy a cure-all: she concedes what Ben needs is not counselling but a turn of luck.
In the chapter on identity we encounter a Kurdish refugee, a young man coming out, and KT, a patient who identifies as gender non-binary. Samuel calls KT’s ghosting lover “a complete fucker” (and dubs another patient’s bullying investor “the Tosser”).
Sometimes change arrives abruptly, other times it’s part of the natural ebb and flow of life. Research shows that people tend to take stock every seven to 10 years. In the space between phases – known as the “fertile void” in therapy parlance – we must sit with the discomfort for a while. Bypassing it can curb “potential growth” and satisfaction in the new phase.
For Samuel, the key to resilience is the quality of our relationships: family and friends can buoy us in turbulent times. Yet: “In England more than a million older people can go for over a month without speaking to their family, friend or neighbour.” The observations of her patients’ progress speak to the value of prolonged talk therapy, as opposed to the less costly cognitive behavioural approach currently favoured by the NHS. We tend to invoke the phrase “this too shall pass” at moments “when life sucks”, Samuel writes. “But here’s the hitch”: moments when life is good will also inevitably pass. Heraclitus’s theory of flux stated that we never step into the same river twice: the river has changed, or else we have. With Samuel guiding us through the rapids, we can forge ahead “with a little more joy, clarity, confidence and … hope”.
• This Too Shall Pass: Stories of Change, Crisis and Hopeful Beginnings by Julia Samuel is published by Penguin (RRP £14.99). To order a copy go to guardianbookshop.com. Free UK p&p over £15.
