Because of the coronavirus, I am staying in my late mother’s home with my husband, his brother and wife, and our young children. This seemed like a good idea, so we could share chores and childcare (two of us are still working, from home, full time). But the situation has become uncomfortable for me because I am extremely attracted to my brother-in-law. I had hoped this feeling would die down, but it has got worse and over the past three weeks I have become aware that he seems to be lusting after me. My husband and I rarely have sex, owing to his lack of interest, which set in after our second child was born, so I am frustrated and afraid that something is going to happen, or that others in the house will pick up on the vibe between us. How can I stop this feeling?
Under normal circumstances, erotic tension is increased when there is an obstacle to acting on it. But now you have an extra challenge, because courting danger in non-virus-related ways is a common behaviour during this time. Like many others, you may be unconsciously drawn to a peril that you can control. Recognise this and set firm boundaries. Do your best never to be alone in a room with your brother-in-law. Stop fantasising about him. Increase your bonds with his wife and children. Work to improve your relationship with your husband and try to reawaken your sex life together. Focus on your children, on establishing routine, exercising, calming your mind and keeping your family safe. All this shall pass.
Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a US-based psychotherapist who specialises in treating sexual disorders.
If you would like advice from Pamela on sexual matters, send us a brief description of your concerns to private.lives@theguardian.com (please don’t send attachments). Each week, Pamela chooses one problem to answer, which will be published online and in print. She regrets that she cannot enter into personal correspondence. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions: see gu.com/letters-terms.
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