Name: Pigs.

Age: First domesticated in 8500BC.

Appearance: Svelte.

You must be confused. Pigs are not svelte. Yes, they are.

Are you sure you’re not mixing them up with ferrets? Of course I’m not. I just have a better understanding of modern farming practices than you.

Please expand. People want to eat leaner meat, which has led to a rebranding of pork away from the fatty food of tradition, which in turn means that the average pig now has only 16% body fat as opposed to the 20% it had 20 years ago.

This changes everything. Maybe the culture will change to reflect this. Maybe there will be a Babe remake with an extended triathlon interlude. Maybe a new Winnie the Pooh film where Piglet has a six-pack. Maybe Miss Piggy will get really into CrossFit.

What a happy story with no apparent downside. Ah, about that.

Oh no. It’s just that, if the average pig has 16% body fat and the most recent government statistics state that 28.7% of adults in England are classified as obese with a further 35.6% classified as overweight, then …

We’re fatter than pigs. Unfortunately, yes. Go and Google “16% body fat”. What do you see?

A load of greased-up men with their tops off. But they all have muscles, don’t they? And the faintest outline of a six-pack, too. This is because 16% body fat will put you at the thinner end of average. Now, go and look in a mirror.

Absolutely not. This might be because you’re one of the 64% of people in England who classify as overweight or obese. You are probably fatter than a pig.

Well, that’s me depressed. Don’t be depressed! It isn’t the end of the world!

It isn’t? Of course it isn’t. Listen, answer me this. When was the last time a pig invented the iPhone?

Um … Or learned how to tap dance. Or became fluent in a European language? When was the last time a pig knocked up a decent guacamole? When was the last time a pig managed to do up a shirt all by itself?

Is the answer “never”? NEVER. That’s right. We should stop basing our self-worth on meaningless body-fat comparisons with pigs. Humans have so much more to offer than pigs. Pigs are dopes.

Er … Sure, they are thinner than us. Do you want to know why? It’s because human farmers decided they should be thinner. Humans! We are still the puppetmasters! The pigs will never beat us!

You’re scaring me now. Four legs good, two legs way better!

Do say: “Humans are now fatter than pigs.”

Don’t say: “Don’t forget to check out Zumba Yourself Skinny With Snowball and Napoleon, out on DVD soon.”