Name: Gorgeous people.
Age: Considerable. Certainly of greater longevity than poor saps like you who’ve been battered by the ugly stick and, let’s face it, will probably die sooner than hotties like me.
Appearance: Radiant, darling. Symmetrical of face, bright of eye, pert of buttock, toned of muscle. The whole package.
Why is appearance important? Traits linked to attractiveness may indicate a person’s body is better at fighting infection, according to a study by the Texas Christian University.
Are you saying that if you’re hideous you’re more likely to need a Covid jab than if you were beautiful? No, not even anti-masker Piers “fart in your trousers” Corbyn believes that.
So what are you saying? Beauty is not just skin deep, but is correlated with a body’s ability to resist infection. For instance, men judged as more handsome by women were found to have more effective “natural killer” cells, which can wipe out virus-infected cells in the body.
Natural killer cells? Really? Missed that lesson in biology class. But it’s true! Most attractive people have higher rates of phagocytosis.
Which sounds like an STD, but actually is? A process by which white blood cells ingest and eliminate bacteria before it can make you sick.
So gorgeous people such as Robert Pattinson and Rihanna have more virus-repelling cellular processes than, say, less genetically blessed politicians? Precisely. For this study, scientists photographed 152 young adults without makeup. They were then rated on their attractiveness by people online. The hottest men and women – judged by members of the opposite sex – were found to have higher rates of phagocytosis.
Isn’t rating people of opposite sex, frankly, disappointingly heteronormative? Nobody said the research methods were perfect, though the results have just been published in the journal Proceedings of the Royal Society B.
What does Prof Soundslike Amadeupname, sorry, Summer Mengelkoch conclude from the study she led? “People who go out to a bar looking to talk to someone attractive are often dismissed as being shallow ... But they are really just following their instincts to find a high-quality mate.”
Is there any good news for those less fortunate, namely monobrowed warty baldies? Yes! Mengelkoch adds: “With modern medicine, infections are not as deadly as they used to be, so perhaps it’s OK if people lower their standards and start to give people who are less attractive a shot.”
Don’t say: “If I said you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me to stop me getting ill?”
Do say: “Hey baby, they say beauty is skin deep, but mine goes all the way through and indicates I have superior infection-resisting cellular structures. Your place or mine?”
