When I decided to give up drinking in the summer of 2015, I was convinced it would improve almost every important part of my life: my career, my health, my marriage. But would I be able to handle the boredom? I had been getting drunk pretty regularly since I was an adolescent and was completely inexperienced at having fun without booze. I wasn’t sure it was possible. Happily, I was wrong.
“It has been deeply ingrained in us by the media, culture and our peers that alcohol is the best way to have fun, and therefore sobriety must be boring,” says Veronica Valli, a psychotherapist, recovery coach and author of Soberful. She says: “The truth is, with 23 years of sobriety behind me, I can’t think of anything that isn’t more fun without alcohol. But there’s more to stopping drinking than just stopping drinking. We have to learn a lot of new emotional skills.”
It is not just the tendency to use booze to numb stress, sadness and exhaustion, it’s how to behave in the good times too. When I had been sober for three months, I received a really big job offer – the sort that warranted a celebration. But without the option of going straight to the pub to raise a few glasses, I was clueless as to how to express my excitement. In the end, I went for an ice-cream.
In the years since, I have gradually become better at processing highs and lows without the accompaniment of booze. In the meantime, it helps to have some practical stuff up your sleeve to help those early days of sobriety feel like a pleasure, not an endurance. Whether you’re hoping to prolong the benefits of Dry January a little longer or thinking of going sober more permanently, here are some tips on how to keep having fun while you do so.
Treat yourself
The money I used to spend when I was drinking was obscene. It wasn’t just the booze itself; it was the collateral costs of a night out: the taxis, the late-night burgers and, towards the end of my drinking days, the drugs I would invariably buy after my fourth pint. Then there was the coffee, Coca-Cola, bacon sandwiches and painkillers I would buy in bulk the next morning to try to combat my hangover.
Once I calculated the rough amount all this was costing me every week, I felt a lot less guilty about treating myself in sobriety: from nice meals out to occasional massages and the odd weekend away. A couple of treats like this every month and sober me was still financially better off than drunk me by a long way.
Other great self-care investments include a personal trainer (the equivalent cost of two rounds of drinks a week), a therapist (the price of a Wednesday night in the pub) and scented candles (the cost of a cab fare home – I drive myself everywhere these days, or take the tube and read a book). If you want to track your days of sobriety and calculate the money you’ve saved, I recommend the Nomo app.
“At first, it can feel weird doing your favourite things without drink, but you have to try to keep doing them,” says Valli. “Having fun is not a frivolous thing. It is a really important human need. Doing fun things sober quickly becomes your new normal.”
Get more value for money
I have always loved live music but I used to spend at least a third of every gig queueing for the bar or the toilet. At festivals, I would often miss half the acts because I was in a state of drunken disorientation. At Glastonbury 2008 (headliners, Jay-Z and Amy Winehouse), I can’t remember anything after Joan Armatrading at two in the afternoon.
“Alcohol is a depressant that makes you slower both mentally and physically,” says Dr Niall Campbell, consultant psychiatrist and addiction expert at The Priory, London. “When you stop drinking, you quickly gain better focus and concentration and even greater physical capability. Dancing, talking to people, being quick-witted – all the social skills you need are sharpened.”
Nowadays, I go to more live music than ever, engaging with the whole performance, absorbing all the little details that make seeing a band up close so special and even having a dance (yes, it is possible to dance sober) that doesn’t result in me stumbling into someone and spilling their drink.
Don’t spoil things that are already fun
I loved Christmas when I was a kid: sitting around with loved ones exchanging gifts, eating delicious food and watching movies is inherently fun. You really don’t need to embellish a day like that with alcohol. In my drinking days, I cancelled out all the joy of Christmas by opening the champagne at breakfast and passing out by late afternoon with a glass of whisky in my hand. Only now do I realise that I was wasting one of the best days of the year; drinking made it just like any other day.
Of course, Christmas and live music might not be your thing, with or without alcohol. But spending time with people you love, in any context, is often more enjoyable when you’re sober. Valentine’s night, for instance, becomes a much more romantic occasion when you’re not hammered on pink champagne. “It isn’t talked about enough, but sober sex is so much better,” says Campbell. “You’re more competent and your senses are sharpened, so you actually feel more.”
Certainly there is something about not needing to keep a bucket on standby beside the bed that reignites the magic in a relationship.
Cull your friends
What if you lose all the mates you enjoy getting plastered with? What if they won’t want to hang out with you when you’re Mr Diet Coke? Well, you might lose some of them, but not all of them, and with those willing to catch up over a coffee, say, rather than a pint, the conversations often become more meaningful – and I promise you’ll still make each other laugh.
“You may get pushback from people who feel like you giving up booze is somehow a judgment on their drinking,” says Valli. “They tend to disappear from your life organically. The other thing is that you come to realise that drunk people are pretty boring, repetitive and not fun.”
Master the French exit
Personally, I am still happy to go to the pub with pals who are drinking while I nurse an alcohol-free beer. I simply arrive early, when everyone is in a good mood (the first drink is the one everyone seems to enjoy most, from what I have observed) and leave early, just as everyone starts to get repetitive and boring, as Valli puts it. I have become a master of the French exit (disappearing without going through a lengthy and tedious round of goodbyes). Nobody ever notices, cares or remembers when you left.
Find a grownup drink
Fizzy pop is for kids, water is for nerds and drinking more than three cups of caffeine a day will ultimately turn you into a nervous wreck. Find yourself a non-alcoholic drink that feels grownup and a bit of a treat to enjoy at the end of the working day. Over the past seven and a half years, I have tried the full array of non-alcoholic beers (a range that is constantly expanding and now has its own aisle at my local supermarket) and can honestly say that the most readily available options are the best. Heineken 0.0 is crisp, clean and tasty. Guinness 0.0 is rich and flavoursome. I wish I could recommend some more obscure brands but, in my opinion, the bigger breweries have been first to perfect booze-free-booze.
Don’t become a recluse
Harness all that new energy and seek out new ways of having fun every day. “Don’t let yourself become isolated and lonely,” says Campbell. “The opposite of addiction is connection. So find new hobbies and meet new people. It especially helps to spend time with people going through the same thing as you, so find a group if you can.”
Alcoholics Anonymous is free and available all over the country. Despite its dreary church hall image, I found the atmosphere in most meetings to be surprisingly convivial and often hilariously funny. But if you don’t fancy AA there are alternatives such as Smart Recovery and various group resources offered by the NHS.
I have found new friends through groups like these. I’ve also made friends through my (inevitable, predictable) sober passion for exercise and fitness. But I also realised that there were already sober people in my life whom I had previously ignored. I spent time looking out for sober role models in my social and professional circles – men of a similar age who were sober but still funny, smart, confident and capable. That was the sober person I wanted to be. Far from being the boring teetotal cliches I had previously assumed, I discovered that these men were bright, entertaining and dynamic. Cultivating friendships with them made a huge impact on my outlook on sobriety and life in general.
The most important thing is to change your perception of fun. If something seems fun only when you are a bit drunk, then it’s not really fun at all and you should stop doing it. For me, that included days at the horse racing, stag weekends in Prague and visits to Winter Wonderland. For you, it might be dreary after-work drinks or that book club that just seems to be a cover for unbridled midweek boozing. But you will be amazed by how many things that you have spent time and money on for years are, in the cold light of sobriety, rubbish.
Sort Your Head Out – Mental Health Without All the Bollocks by Sam Delaney is out on 9 February and published by Constable
