I started in journalism as a “mature-age” cadet, which meant I was old enough to have developed fully formed anxieties before I even started such an anxiety-inducing job.
Luckily for me, an even more “mature” cadet also started that year. And Russell was also marinating in anxiety.
There was a definite subset of us (the marinated) who spent a lot of time trying to work out how to survive in an industry where it often seemed as though you were only as good as your last front page, while a single typo could haunt you forever (hello, Baklava Races).
We self-medicated, of course.
And when the self-medicating turned into hangxiety, we sent each other the link to Kingsley Amis’s Metaphysical Hangover, we shared tips, tricks, and bloody marys, and tried to keep each other from death spirals of fear, worry, and impostor syndrome.
One day Russell suggested I should judge myself by my friends.
Not to compare myself to them, but to realise that if I have such cool friends, I can’t be a total blight on humanity.
He said it in passing, but before long it turned into a bunch of mantras. For example, if I’m struggling with something and feeling stupid, I try to think: “But Sarah’s the smartest chick I know and she voluntarily talks to me all the time, so I must be OK.” Or if I’m feeling like a bad person because I haven’t got my priorities straight, I think: “Ahhh but Amy’s keen to hang out and that girl has values. She totally wouldn’t hang out with an arsehole.”
It helps straighten out the anxious brain to realise that the sneering sociopath who keeps white anting you is not your friend, while the comedic genius who cheers you up with an impression of said sneering sociopath is one of your best pals.
It’s in the same neighbourhood of self compassion as putting a plug in negative self talk by imagining a friend talking to you. Or how you should never take feedback from someone you wouldn’t seek advice from.
My mature-age cadet buddy died a few years back, far too young. I still use him as a mantra though, if I’m feeling like a schmuck. I know I can’t be a total fuck up if someone like Russell called me friend.
