1. Talk about any problems
Things seem to work well without really thinking about it. Then, when it starts going wrong, you don’t quite know how to talk about it, so the situation gets to a point where you’re stuck and you don’t know how to deal with it. The first stage in addressing this is for each person to spend a couple of days thinking about what they see the problem is, and then agreeing to sit down together for a discussion. Take turns saying: “This is what I think the problem is, and this is how it is affecting me.” Out of this comes the opportunity to really get to the heart of the matter and work out what is needed.
2. Look for the reasons why sex might have changed
How did sex use to be? What was intimacy like? What has changed? What are the blocks to sorting it out? There may have been occasions when you might not have wanted to be sexual or you might not have been in the mood, and that got misinterpreted, or there were a few times when you got rejected. And then you get into a pattern of not having sex or avoiding it.
3. Talk about how you first met. And make an effort to look nice
Spend an evening chatting about what you liked about the other person. You can remind each other of what drew you both together. Do that on the first night, then on the next night, dress up, go out for a meal and make an effort to feel and look special. What you’re likely to find is that you’re feeling much more connected and that can lead to noticing desire, feeling sexual, and you can reignite something that has perhaps been lost for a while.
4. Every time you leave the house (and come back) make a point of having a kiss or a cuddle
There is no intention that it is going to lead to sex, you just get used to the idea you can reclaim intimacy. Make a point of saying, “I like what you’re wearing”, send texts to each other throughout the day saying “missing you” and “look forward to seeing you”. In this way you’re recreating some of the behaviours you probably did at the beginning of your relationship and you are giving the message, “I’m noticing you and I like you”, so that the sense of feeling closer to the other person, the emotional intimacy, starts creeping back in.
5. Schedule regular time to be intimate
This is making a commitment to maintaining the relationship by saying: even though sometimes we don’t feel like it, we realise the importance of this and will try to be sexual. It is about not letting gaps appear so then it starts becoming more normal to not have sex. What your scheduling says is that Friday nights are your night, you’ll put some effort into making it special and this can lead to greater intimacy. Perhaps this means having a shower together, or maybe dressing up – above all it is about making a statement that your physical relationship is important, and you are prepared to put in the groundwork, instead of saying it is just about sex.
6. Write down on pieces of paper what really works for you both
Then fold them up and put all of the bits of paper in a jar. I encourage couples to sit down and work out some of the things that each person particularly likes when they are being sexual. Then, whenever you’re going to have some intimate time, pull out a piece of paper and whatever’s there, you’ve got the chance to try. It enables an element of fun and excitement to return into the relationship which can be helpful to maintain the spark.
7. If there is a high level of anxiety attached to sex, introduce mindfulness
I always suggest pelvic floor exercises, because this makes you focus on your genitals, so you become much more tuned into your body. For a man, this can increase the quality of his erection and the chances of more ejaculatory control. For a woman, it is likely to help her to regain a bit more feeling within the vaginal walls and it might help towards arousal.
8. For older couples, slow everything right down
Try having a bath together, so you feel good and in tune with each other. Pay more attention to what position feels comfortable. If there are issues of mobility and flexibility it can be useful to try out positions first. You might want to do this while you’re still dressed when it can feel easier (and warmer).
9. Take turns to be selfish
Say, “I’d really like it if you could give me a back rub”, or “I just really want the opportunity to touch you”. I often suggest couples go to bed and have a period of time when you’re both naked without needing to be sexual. Just lying next to each other, feeling the other person’s skin on your skin can be a very intimate and nourishing moment.
10. Rediscover how to be intimate with each other
There are many reasons why intimacy can change in a relationship. Pregnancy and birth, ageing, body shape, resentment, arguments not being resolved, anxiety, the menopause, erectile problems … It is important to understand why you’ve reached the point where things are dysfunctional, but it is always possible to make changes. I’ve worked with couples who haven’t had sex in six years and it has been a privilege to help them rediscover how to be intimate with each other.
• Peter Saddington is a clinical supervisor and a relationship and sex therapist working for Relate.
An orgasm is what Barry Komisaruk, professor of psychology at Rutgers University in New Jersey, refers to as “excitation of the brain, which is often elicited from the genitalia and produces an intense buildup to a peak of muscle tension then release”. What else is going on physiologically, in order to support this, is an increase in heart rate and blood pressure to deliver the oxygen and nutrients to the muscles and to the neurons in the brain that are involved.
For women, there is a contraction of the uterus, and for men a tensing of “the male plumbing system”, as Komisaruk calls it, leading to ejaculation. The pupils dilate, there is sweating, increased temperature and a change of blood flow causing a flushing of the skin.
During orgasm, a flood of hormones are released, including dopamine and oxytocin, the so-called love hormone, which is also released through touch. It’s the same hormone that causes contractions in labour and is given to women to induce labour.
Orgasms are often found to relieve pain. “Most of the regions of the brain that we see activated during orgasm have been reported to be activated during pain,” says Komisaruk. “This seems paradoxical because, if you’re in pain, it’s hard to have an orgasm. But actually many women have said that they use orgasm to inhibit menstrual cramps.”
Finally, orgasms can help promote restful sleep, thanks partly to “the muscular exertion involved in orgasm, followed by the relaxation” explains Komisaruk.
Sweet dreams, then.
