Why do we like sport? There are millions of people around the world who feel happiest when they are engaged in pursuits that – on the face of it – are pointless. And yet sport is serious business. Jamie Carragher and Declan Rice are two English footballers who have said their sport is “all about winning”. Is that really true? I was a sports presenter for BBC Radio 1 for eight years, encompassing the 2012 London Olympics, Andy Murray’s historic Wimbledon win and a World Cup in Brazil. It was frequently thrilling, yet over time when I went on air to report on the action, I had a nagging sense that something was missing. The fixation on results didn’t convey sport’s deep beauty and its many life lessons. Sport is often described as a metaphor for life and so I set out to explore exactly that – and found many important insights about where happiness and fulfilment are to be found. Here’s what I discovered.

Treat your brain like a computer

The next time you are waiting to catch a train, glance at your fellow passengers. Most of them will be staring at their phones. For the first time in human history we never have to be bored – and it’s contributing to soaring levels of burnout. Sir John Kirwan, the All Black rugby legend who was knighted for services to mental health after a depressive episode during his career, shared a fantastic analogy to consider. What do you do when your computer starts playing up? “Turn it off and turn it on again – 99% of the time that works.” We need to do the same thing with our brains! Kirwan is an “active relaxer”. He reads, walks and plays the guitar. Whatever it is, find ways to power your brain down that don’t involve scrolling.

Develop emotional intelligence

In 2016, Team GB won women’s hockey gold at the Rio Olympics. The coach was Danny Kerry, who worked hard on his emotional intelligence (often described as a better predicator of life satisfaction than IQ) over the course of his career. EQ is about understanding what you’re feeling and being able to manage yourself, as well as being able to read and empathise with others, and then influence them for the better. So Danny Kerry worked up a brilliant EQ shortcut question list: “Where am I? Where do I need to be? Where are they? Where do they need to be?” In Rio, if he was grumpy, he might delegate a meeting if he felt the players needed lifting. At home, if he feels tired after a hard day of work, but his kids need him to be engaged and playful, he consciously lifts his state to give them the dad they need.

Stop musterbating

Albert Ellis was a hugely influential psychologist with a quirky turn of phrase. He claimed that a vast amount of psychological suffering was created by believing illusory “musts”, such as “I must do well.” There is nothing wrong with wanting to do well, but that’s different from demanding it must happen. Former England football manager Roy Hodgson put it well when he said, “One of the phrases I hate is, ‘This is a must-win game.’ So, if the opposition are winning 2-0 and there are 10 minutes to go, does it mean I’ve got to get a machine gun out and shoot them?” A way to avoid falling into the “musterbation” trap is to watch your language. Phrases like “I must” and “I should” only increase pressure, which paradoxically reduces the chance of achieving the outcome you want. Stick with “I want” or “I would like”.

Growth mindsets may be overhyped

From the locker room to the classroom, you’ll hear people extol the importance of a “growth mindset”. It’s a term coined by Stanford professor Carol Dweck, who suggested that believing your abilities were malleable could have a massive impact on achievement and outcomes, while having a “fixed mindset” did the opposite. In her Ted Talk, Dweck claims people can be triggered into developing a growth mindset through simple interventions, like praising hard work and effort rather than talent or intelligence. The problem is that researchers who tried to replicate the two core research papers, which have been cited thousands of times, found no such correlation. “Praising wisely,” they told me, had no effect. Don’t thoughts and beliefs change like the wind? As one of my podcast guests pointed out, one day you think you are great, the next you suck. Instead of wrestling with “mindsets”, perhaps it’s better to take action, regardless of what the voice in your head happens to be saying.

Say to yourself: ‘I am aware of the thought…’

We all have thoughts we don’t want, from, “I’m going to mess this speech up!” to “What if I hit a double-fault?” But thoughts aren’t facts, and an even more important recognition is that we are not our thoughts – we are aware of our thoughts. So, when an unhelpful thought pops up, rather than identifying with it or resisting it, notice it and then add the following prefix: “I am aware of the thought that… I am going to mess this up.” This creates space between you and the thought. Then bring yourself back into the present, perhaps by noticing the sounds you can hear. This is a core pillar of Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, which England cricketer Sir Alastair Cook used to great effect ahead of his career-defining Ashes series in Australia in 2011.

Shift from ‘thinking mind’ to ‘aware mind’

I was introduced to this distinction by Dr Guy Meadows, former ultrarunner and sleep specialist, who has taught elite athletes how to maximise their recovery. We all create a conceptual identity by referring to what has happened to us in the past, our hopes for the future as well as our beliefs, values and opinions. This becomes the “story of me” we use to navigate the social world. Nothing wrong with that, but it’s not the whole story. As we have said, we are not our thoughts; we are aware of them. This “aware mind” exists prior to thoughts and feelings, just as the sky exists prior to the weather. And just like the sky, the aware mind is at peace with whatever weather (thoughts and feelings) appears within it. If we can recognise that we are not just the “narrative self”, created by thoughts of past and future, but are also the aware mind in which the thoughts that create the “story of me” appears, then we can drop back into that calm, peaceful place that exists prior to whatever we are experiencing, whenever we choose, irrespective of outer circumstances.

Doing does not end in being

We tend to think that fulfilment lies in the future – when we meet the right person or get the promotion or the big house. The problem is, it doesn’t tend to work that way. The number of people who have scaled the highest heights in the world of sport, only to be left with a sense of deep dissatisfaction, is vast. I remember sitting in Caitlyn Jenner’s living room, listening to her talking about how winning Olympic Gold didn’t deal with any of the issues she was facing. So what’s the answer to this conundrum? To recognise that the future never arrives and seeking happiness there is futile. This is it folks! It is always now, and we can strive to do our best in this moment, the only moment there ever actually is.

Forget being somebody; embrace being nobody

The day after Jonny Wilkinson kicked the winning drop goal to win the Rugby World Cup, he felt empty. However, in the moment of kicking the winning drop goal, he experienced a transcendence. His sense of self disappeared. “It wasn’t ‘me’ kicking it, it was a knowing of it,” he told me. This is a common phenomenon experienced by sports stars. If that sense of “me” can disappear, just how real can it be? Winning is frequently underwhelming, but the experience of flow is intrinsically enjoyable. As thoughts of past and future disappear along with our conceptual sense of self, we are joyful and perform at our best. While we think we want to become a special “somebody”, we are actually most content when we experience being “nobody”. Through sport, conversation, reading – the portals are vast – we are happiest when we lose ourselves in the moment, not when we seek to aggrandise our sense of self through “winning”.

• This article was amended on 7 January 2024. The 2016 Olympics – in which Team GB won gold in the women’s hockey – was held in Rio, not Beijing as an earlier version said.

Champion Thinking: How to Find Success Without Losing Yourself is published by Bloomsbury Tonic on 18 January at £18.99. Buy it at guardianbookshop.com for £16.71. Simon Mundie is also host of The Life Lessons Podcast