Invest in your ‘sexual currency’

In order to have a healthy sexual appetite, it’s crucial to monitor how you and your partner are interacting with one another when you’re not having sex, according to Dr Karen Gurney, psychosexologist and author of Mind the Gap: The Truth About Desire and How to Futureproof Your Sex Life.

“Sexual currency is what I call all the contact you have with a partner that does not include the acts of sex themselves,” says Dr Gurney. “It’s about physical affection, flirting, suggestive looks, touching each other’s bodies sensually, passionate kissing. It’s the, ‘Do you remember when we … ’ texts, the compliments on each other’s bodies.”

Upping your sexual currency with your partner can offer both of you major benefits both in and out of the bedroom because it removes the pressure for it to go anywhere. “It triggers desire,” explains Dr Gurney. “It’s present at the start of a relationship then often declines. I’ve not worked with many couples who haven’t benefited enormously by working on this.”

Lighten your mental load (and forget about lingerie)

Our biggest sex organ is not between our legs but between our ears. At least, that’s according to sex therapist Courtney Boyer, author of Not Tonight, Honey. “The more cluttered our mind is, the more bogged down it is with to-do lists and other responsibilities, so the harder it is for us to be open to arousal.”

For many of us, making mental space for sex is no mean feat, for example, if you’re getting back into the swing of the school run, and a schedule dictated by bath times and bedtimes. Make sure you share these jobs to give you both the time to “transition from parent-mode to partner-mode,” suggests Boyer. “Turning notifications off on your phone when you can will help, too.”

It’s also best to ignore quick fixes, like sex toys and lingerie. “You may get short-term satisfaction. But it won’t solve the deep-seated issues or give you long-term success,” says Boyer. “Our sexuality is affected by our physical, mental and spiritual wellbeing. Addressing those issues can help bolster your sexual desire.”

Go for a very cold swim

Sure, it is not exactly new news, but cold water swimming, or taking an ice bath, can do wonders for your overall mental wellbeing which, ironically, could also get you feeling a little hot and spicy elsewhere.

“Swimming in cold water is incredibly invigorating and creates whole body tingles and reviving sensations,” says Lottie Passell-Syms, psychosexual and relationship coach. “Recent studies have actually revealed that cold water therapy can increase testosterone levels, improve sexual health, and have a positive impact on intimate relationships,” she adds.

It has also been shown to boost your overall happiness levels, increasing chemicals such as dopamine and serotonin, both of which will inevitably also affect your sex drive, which is fuelled by positive feelings and emotions in the body.

“Clients of mine have reported that it elevates their mood, improves circulation and helps them sleep better,” adds Passell-Syms. “Plus, it’s freezing, so having hot sex afterwards is a great way to warm up.”

Ditch the booze

Despite what we’ve been told by endless romcoms, sharing a bottle of red is not necessarily going to lead you on a path to good sex. At best, it might just lead you to some drunken fumbles in the dark. “While the effects vary based on the individual, context and amount of alcohol intake, some people feel more sleepy or less interested in sex when they have been drinking,” says Kate Moyle, sex and relationships expert for sexual wellness brand Lelo. “Many people also report difficulty reaching or maintaining erection when they have been drinking, which can interrupt the heat of the moment.”

Even if you do manage to get down to it, if you’re doing so under the influence, alcohol may also hinder your pleasure. “Drinking can also impact the ability to orgasm, as alcohol can reduce the intensity of sensation,” says Moyle. “Orgasm is both a brain and body experience, and both factors play an important role – if the brain is inhibited by alcohol, sensation will suffer as a result and the potential for a full, satisfying orgasm is cut short.”

Do some good deeds as a couple

“Volunteering [together] can be a powerful way to enhance the mood and strengthen the bond in a relationship,” says Passell-Syms. “It involves giving back and finding fulfilment in life, and sharing these experiences with your partner can lead to a deeper understanding and connection with one another.” The idea is that through volunteering, partners get to see each other through a different, caregiving lens.

“This new perspective injects novelty and freshness into the relationship,” says Passell-Syms. “It can rekindle passion and strengthen the partnership, making one feel more attracted to their partner, both emotionally and physically. It’s about giving beyond oneself and finding joy in the happiness and wellbeing of others, which in turn enriches the relationship. It can also be a huge turn on.”

Put the screens away

We’ve all seen it: couples sitting opposite one another in silence, eyes fixed to their phone screens – also known as “phubbing”. But it will come as no surprise that investing more of your time in your screens than your partner is not going to help either of you in the bedroom.

“The amount that we have been having sex in the UK has been falling steadily in the last three decades, and this coincides with huge technological advances in smartphone capability, and perhaps more widespread use,” says Gurney. “It’s not simply that our phone use takes hours out of our day that we could be using for connection and sex, but also the potential that our phone habits have to disrupt our attention, meaning we become more used to constant distraction.”

This matters given that research indicates paying attention is crucial for good sex. “We need it for arousal, desire, and the ability to stay in the moment,” adds Gurney. “Banishing phones from the bedroom is a good start, but getting more practised at being in the moment using mindfulness has been shown to have a direct impact on sexual response and satisfaction.”

Make sure you’re getting enough sleep

No one wants to get down and dirty when they can barely keep their eyes open. So making sure you get enough shut-eye is crucial to improving your sex drive, says Gurney. “We know from research that getting a good night’s sleep increases our chances of having sex the next day by 14%.”

The reason sleep has such an impact on our libido is because of how sleep deprivation affects our hormones, resulting in low mood and energy all round. If not dealt with quickly, all this can create a domino effect, sending us into a spiral of self-destruction that is bound to hinder almost every area of our lives. In these cases, sex will be the last thing on our minds.

Getting a good night’s sleep is harder if you have young children, of course. “The negative impact on mood of being woken up in the night can take a toll, with low mood and stress reducing our interest in sex, particularly if the encounter is emotionally challenging, like if you’re woken by a distressed child.” As parents, the best way to combat this, if you can, is to split the night-time caregiving duties between you so you’re on more of an equal footing.

Do a little dance (not a dirty one)

Regardless of whether you’re good at it or not, dancing is one of those activities we can all benefit from. Whether it’s with your partner or alone in your room, having a quick boogie can be just  the thing to perk you up, and put you back in touch with your body.

“Music is sensual and so is moving your body to it,” says marriage counsellor Jo Nicholl. “It can help dissolve inhibitions, releasing positive emotions and hormones into the body that regulate the nervous system.” Crucially, it can also enliven your other senses.

“Luxuriating in your senses is key,” adds Nicholl. “Taste, touch, sight and smell are key to your sensuality, erotic life and pleasure. Wake these up in yourself, nurture your senses, do things that give you pleasure, like dancing, and you will be more receptive to receiving pleasure and allowing yourself to surrender to it. This is about sensuality, and not about needing to have sex. The senses will lead you there eventually, in the right time.”