How do I get my parents to stop fixating on the fact I’ve gained weight? I’m an undergraduate at one of the most competitive universities in the UK and received top grades throughout school to get in. Since going to university I’ve kept busy and achieved a lot. I am president of a student society, do pro-bono tutoring and have done multiple internships and a part-time job alongside my degree, which I am averaging a first in. I have a really strong network of friends and am in a healthy relationship with long-term partner and feel happier and more confident with myself than ever before. Since being at university I’ve gained a bit of weight, exercising less intensively with other commitments taking over, as well as just getting a little bit older and becoming a woman rather than a girl. I’m overweight on the BMI scale but not by much and I attribute at least some of that to the muscle I’ve put on from lifting weights twice a week.
My parents have always valued eating well, exercising and “looking” healthy, and have had multiple conversations with me over the summer about my weight. I shrugged it off for a while but have started pushing back a bit on it and telling them how uncomfortable it makes me feel. I fear it never quite gets through to them. Is there any way to get them to stop for good?
Eleanor says: You could spend a bunch of time thinking through why your parents react this way. Is it a control thing? Do your parents see bodies as an extension of CVs? Maybe it’s the thing where we use bodies as signs of status. Once that meant showing you didn’t work in the sun; had soft hands; enough to eat. Now it’s leanness or hardness as “proof” of self-discipline. Maybe it would be helpful to think through why thinness is a prize to them, and – separate question – why they think they get to expect you to deliver it.
But ultimately your question is about getting them to stop doing this, no matter the explanation for why they do.
You and your parents are at a transitional moment. You’ve left home, you’re a young adult. It can take a beat for parents to adapt to a new dynamic where they don’t “know best” or get automatic input into your life as they did when you were young. It can take a while for parents to internalise that now their views on your body, your choices, your life, are unsolicited advice – not directives or expert guidance the way they once were.
Out of kindness for the fact that that can be a slow transition, I’d explain once, properly, why you don’t like this. Have phrases you prep in advance. “I’m not looking to lose weight, and it makes me feel scrutinised when you tell me to burn calories.” “I’m healthy and active, and it’s not fair that you think you get to tell me what to eat or how to look.” If this has any hope of registering it has to be more than pushback here and there: you have to announce that you want more-than-usual attention to what you’re saying, even ask them to say it back to you.
It can help to have a label for the exact thing you don’t want them to do. Sometimes people get confused (or feign confusion?) about what you’re objecting to. “Am I allowed to talk about exercise?” “Can I mention calories?” Name the exact phenomenon you want to stop: remarks assuming you should lose weight. You can even give it a cute name. Call it “body bossing” or something silly, so that when it happens again you can say, “Aht, no body bossing!”
After that it’s just rule-enforcing. If you don’t want people to do X, you have to make it too costly for them to keep doing X. This starts small: phrases you repeat somewhat antisocially any time it happens. “I’ve explained I don’t want you telling me to lose weight. If you keep doing it, I’m going to have to end the conversation when you do.” It’s often a matter of calmly repeating these cause-effect statements word for word.
It can feel rotten to do this because it’s so uncomfortably similar to how we deal with animals or toddlers. “Good behaviour get reward” is not a mode we much like to use for adults. The temptation to go back to explanation-mode is strong, and to some extent you can make the case in brief every time you say “please stop”. But if explanation failed to change behaviour the first few times, the ninth or 10th isn’t likely to work either. It feels bad to keep pleading for understanding. One solution is to bow out of the persuasion game: focus on asking for the change in behaviour, not on the plea to be recognised or understood.
By the sounds of it it’s an achievement that you have a healthy relationship to your body. You get to hold on to that even if they won’t understand why.
*This question has been edited for length
