You’re always having a laugh
“It’s very British to joke and tease to show affection, but it can tip over into being unhealthy,” says the friendship coach Hannah Carmichael. Her online community, Friendshift, coaches adults to build authentic friendships and navigate social situations. “At the heart of every healthy relationship is the ability to show up fully as ourselves,” she says.
“In a culture of relentless banter, people may fear being teased about sore points or for their sincerity or that their struggles may not be met with a positive, supportive reaction.”
The clinical psychologist Dr Carla Marie Manly says we need to clarify when lines have been crossed. “It takes practice to shift ingrained habits such as making sarcastic comments or jokes at your friends’ expense, but the more you practice connecting with kindness, the stronger your friendships will become.”
You only make exciting plans
“The pressure of certain forms of sociability – consumer-heavy activities, brunching, and getting Instagramable content – can make friendship feel like work, particularly for people who find the pressures of social interaction challenging,” says Laura Forster, author of Friends in Common.
Anahit Behrooz agrees.
In her book BFFs: The Radical Potential of Female Friendship, she describes the power of the “errand friend” who slots into the quotidian rhythm of our lives versus the “brunch friend”, where every hangout has a set time limit or expectation. “Quality time is constructed not through the luxurious artifice of time spent away from your responsibilities but through the collective experience of them,” she says. “Doing the weekly grocery shop, filing taxes and working out together are as good an opportunity for intimacy as a mandated, bookended slot of leisure time.”
You prioritise romantic partners
“Focusing too much on romantic relationships can create an unhealthy dynamic, like becoming codependent or over-reliant on one person,” says Annabelle Knight, a sex and relationship expert at Lovehoney. “It’s important to respect and understand that both friends and romantic partners require similar levels of effort and commitment. Dedicate specific time with each of them and be fully present.”
The sex and relationship writer and broadcaster Oloni suggests it’s as simple as “committing to quality time with friends, checking in, maintaining traditions, and not being flaky”.
You’re trying to save them
Dr Jane Halsall, a chartered counselling psychologist, says that giving advice or trying to rescue your friends from their problems can feel “overwhelming and suffocating” for both of you. “They may feel judged and pressured if they’re not ready or willing to accept the help offered, leading to resentment or mistrust. On the other hand, those trying to help may feel frustrated or powerless if their efforts to save their friend are unsuccessful, creating guilt, burnout or even a codependent dynamic where their sense of self-worth is tied to ‘fixing’ their struggling friend.”
According to the psychologist, author, and addiction expert Dr Adi Jaffe: “We must shift from trying to ‘fix’ friends to truly listening and offering unconditional support – walking alongside them rather than pulling from ahead. When our friends are struggling, they often need an ally and a sounding board, not an opinion.”
You say ‘yes’ too much
Saying yes to plans and favours should come from genuine enthusiasm rather than a fear of being labelled a bad friend – a healthy friendship makes room for your wants and needs, too. “Some people are naturally very giving and will look for opportunities to help and be supportive. People are more likely to ask you to do things as a result,” explains Carmichael. However, just because someone asks for something doesn’t mean you have to say yes. “Often, this dynamic goes back to childhood – thinking that you’re only worthy of love if you’re super nice, accommodating, and give and give and give. Learning to flex your ‘no’ muscle might be a long process, but start small and practice vocalising when you’re uncomfortable or unwilling.”
You have specific things you always do together
The relationship coach and podcast host Francesca Hogi warns that “siloing” can keep you pigeonholed in a particular aspect of friend’s lives but excluded from others – for example, becoming someone’s “party” friend. “When a friend doesn’t extend invitations or introductions to people, opportunities or events that might be interesting it can feel like being intentionally excluded,” she says.
Resentment may build from the idea that you can’t be a multidimensional character or maybe even that they’re embarrassed by you in other settings. “Give your friend the benefit of the doubt but use particular examples like: ‘I saw that you went to ‘x’ event, and it looked like such a good time, I’d love to join you in the future.’ Or say, ‘I could use some distraction-free time with you without the kids’ – put the ball in their court.”
You love to gossip together
It’s all fun and games when gossiping with your friends, but if you’re seen as too loose-lipped, you may present as an untrustworthy confidant. “Gossip can cause division among the group, animosity and tension,” says the life coach Nonie Leonard. When gossiping about your own life, be aware that it can be impossible to retreat back into privacy once you’ve shared too many details.
The life coach Karen Burke advises: “We all talk about our relationships to each other, for example. It becomes oversharing when we cross the line between what is private among two people in a relationship and what is OK to share, which comes down to individual discretion between you and your partner. Seek intimate advice from a best friend, but be aware that not everyone has your best interests at heart.”
You know each other so well that you feel you don’t have to explain yourself
No matter how close you are, don’t fall into the trap of assuming that a friend will automatically know how you feel without explaining your needs or fears. Hogi explains: “Friendships, like all relationships, are a co-creation between two people. If there’s something that isn’t working for you, it takes vulnerability to speak up, but that might be what’s required to take your friendship to the next level. It’s also important to bear in mind how you might want to adjust your own behaviour and expectations of a friend. Perhaps you’re taking a behaviour personally that is simply how they operate in all of their relationships. That’s not to say you have to accept it if it feels out of alignment or balance.”
A friend’s reaction to feedback will tell you where you truly stand with them, and help you navigate a path forward. Hogan says: “Speaking up might help, or it might not, but the important thing is for you to feel empowered to do your part to build the best relationships you can. Learning to communicate your needs is a crucial relationship skill.”
Your friends are always there for you
Having a friend or even a group of friends who are always there when you need them is one of life’s gifts, especially when you experience turbulence. But Manly advises against taking this support network for granted: “Although life’s challenges can make us a bit self-absorbed at times, chronic self-absorption can cause a friendship to deteriorate. If you have a habit of being chronically self-focused, make it a practice to ask your friend about what’s going on for them. Your friends will feel cared for and valued when you lead with curiosity. And, if you’re used to taking centre stage, allow others to have some of the spotlight.”
You’ve found yourself
“Sometimes there is a power battle within friendships,” says Burke. “One of you may be bolder and braver, while the other is meek and listens until this no longer serves them. That then becomes a surprise to the bolder person who might question: ‘Why are you no longer in the position I like you to be in?!’”
Instead of causing friction, these moments are times for friends to re-evaluate how they relate to each other, allowing space to be open about why that old dynamic has shifted.
“In the same way that healthy couples continually re-evaluate and grow together as people, friendships need to go through a similar process,” adds Carmichael. “There will be significant life changes, and what worked for us in terms of communication and friendship management when we were younger may not be the same as when we get older. Smart friends give each other space to grow and develop.”
You’re phoney
Mobile phones can be a barrier to really connecting with the people around you, according to the cyberpsychologist Elaine Kasket, author of Reset: Rethinking Your Digital World for a Happier Life. The term “phubbing” refers to those moments where someone is more drawn to their phone than engaging with the person immediately in front of them.
“Not maintaining eye contact and getting lost to virtual others is almost like the digital equivalent of looking over somebody’s shoulder in case there’s something more interesting going on,” Kasket explains. “The same goes for people capturing everything for Instagram. It can go from feeling like capturing memories to presenting your time together for other people’s delectation. Not being present can build all these little resentments.”
We also use phones to “flee” from showing emotion, or to distract ourselves from difficult or awkward moments. “Numbing yourself on your phone will not strengthen your relationship,” Kasket says. “You are missing out on moments to build intimacy and navigate hardship or boredom together.”
Makeup and nails: Sarah Cherry. Bracelets by Eva Grinaway. Model: Claudia C from Hired Hands Models
