Name: Berlin Wall pills.

Age: 30 years old, at a guess.

Appearance: Pale, unassuming.

What on earth are they? Literally pills made from ground-up pieces of concrete from the Berlin Wall, which are mixed with lactose and diluted in water, and available from the royal family’s chemist of choice, Ainsworths.

I see. And why would anyone want to make or buy them? Homeopaths believe that “like cures like” and that water retains a “memory” of a substance once it has been dissolved in it, becoming a kind of antidote to that substance.

So these pills are an antidote to … the Berlin Wall? Try to think more “alternatively”. What Berlin Wall-related conditions might they treat?

Constipation? A fixation with David Hasselhoff? Good suggestions. Some homeopaths claim that Berlin Wall pills are effective “in cases where traumatic incidents from the past have been walled off”. They are also supposedly good for “boost[ing] relationships and break[ing] down emotional barriers”.

Very clever. And do they work? The jury is out. The NHS does not fund homeopathy, and says there is “no good-quality evidence that homeopathy is effective as a treatment for any health condition” and “no scientifically plausible way that it can prevent diseases”.

How about pills made from bits of ground-up hospital? Would they make you ill? Look, it’s easy to laugh and go: “Oh, homeopathy is just quackery from the 1790s.”

Yup. But don’t forget that Ainsworths has a royal warrant from the Queen and Prince Charles, meaning it has sold stuff to both those royals for at least five of the past seven years.

You would think the head of the Church of England would demand proper scientific evidence before putting her name to any old thing. Well, quite.

And they should both set a better example to us commoners. They should. Homeopathy can be dangerous, if it stops people seeking real medical treatment or getting vaccinated.

Does that happen? It does. Ainsworths has been busted selling phoney “vaccines” in the past. I expect it covers the subject in Understanding MMR, a book it sells, which claims to be “a balanced review of the facts to help parents decide between MMR, single vaccines or boosting natural immunity”.

Like the fact that unvaccinated children sometimes catch measles and die? I’m sure that’s in there somewhere.

Do say: “How about Prince Philip? Surely these pills would be good for him?”

Don’t say: “Do they contain the essence of upturned Land Rover?”