I am a 75-year-old woman and have been reading about masturbation since I was in my early 20s, including Our Bodies, Ourselves and feminist books about how women deserve pleasure. I bought a Magic Wand in my 20s, read Betty Dodson, and went to a sex therapy group, and have been unsuccessfully trying to masturbate for decades. I get aroused using a vibrator, but I quickly numb out, freeze, become judgmental and go up to my “attic” (head) rather than staying in my body. I have learned how to meditate and now hope that focusing on deep breathing will help. Mainly, I need to find compassion for myself at not having learned how to come. I have a loving lesbian partner, but we have unfortunately stopped making love because I resent her being easily orgasmic. Any ideas are welcome as I would love to give myself more pleasure before I leave this planet.
You have superb insights into the reasons for your own challenges, as well as a fine capacity for perseverance in the pursuit of pleasure. It is likely that the path you are following, that of reducing anxiety and simply allowing your body to relax and receive good feelings, is the right one. Try to give yourself permission to experience pleasure – although I understand that is not easy for you, so it may be important to tease out the deeper reasons for this. Most importantly, your resentment towards your partner needs to be addressed, because such feelings commonly arrest sexual connection, undermine desire and prevent eroticism. There is no magic button to switch off anger; you will need to have frank and loving conversations in which each of you expresses deep feelings and truly listens to the other with blameless openness and compassion. Then ask each other for what you truly need. Once you feel emotionally reconnected, approach love-making not with any goal, but banish distractions and simply focus on pleasure, moment by moment.
Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a US-based psychotherapist who specialises in treating sexual disorders.
If you would like advice from Pamela on sexual matters, send us a brief description of your concerns to private.lives@theguardian.com (please don’t send attachments). Each week, Pamela chooses one problem to answer, which will be published online and in print. She regrets that she cannot enter into personal correspondence. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions: see gu.com/letters-terms.
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