My interest in human behaviour and psychology started in primary school. In my attempts to socialise with other children, I had a constant, nagging feeling that everybody else had received a manual entitled How to Interact with Others. I was socially awkward, to put it mildly, and this meant I was picked on a lot, which in turn meant I started to ask myself some questions: how did my behaviour differ from others? Why did my antagonists act as they did?
And so began my lifelong exploration into why we do the things we do – to others and to ourselves. Psychological theory was interesting, but more urgently I needed practical social-survival skills. So I began to investigate every thinkable area of human behaviour. I took acting lessons. I worked in marketing. I studied philosophy. I looked into how the media shapes us. I developed a deep interest in magic (which is really about controlling the expectations of others). I took an interest in the structure of language. And, naturally, I did a lot of digging into social and cognitive psychology.
The first important lesson is that there are many hidden factors that influence our actions. I realised my former bullies were not evil kids. Their actions were just functions of the group dynamic. As such, my negative feelings were erased. The second, and for me more important lesson, was the extent to which our emotions and actions are influenced by our surroundings: for instance, if you get a warm feeling about a stranger, the reason may be that they are wearing the same sweater as your school sweetheart and, unconsciously, your mind makes the connection.
After studying human behaviour for several years, I started to gain a better understanding of our psyche and behaviour. I also took a degree in philosophy. It was only when I decided to combine my interest in human behaviour with learning the techniques of magic, in 2004, that other people became interested in what I had learned. I took everything I knew, from how we are unconsciously affected by colours to the use of body language along with sleight of hand, to create the illusion of being able to read minds. To my surprise, my audience was as interested as I was in how they could apply all of these techniques to their own lives.
Of course I don’t claim that we can actually read minds or that doing so would be desirable or necessary. What we can do is to become aware of non-verbal communication (NVC). This includes body language, tone of voice, speed of movements, so-called emblematic gestures, small changes in facial expressions and so on. All those signals let us “get a feeling” about someone else. But we seldom stop to think about why or if our interpretation is correct. And we think even less about how our own signalling might be understood. For instance, if you are one of those people who close their eyes when thinking, are you aware that others might think you are uninterested? Or, have you noticed how people who start touching their neck and arms seems more stressed out? The reason is because touch is a cortisol-dampening activity. In real life, “mind reading” is simply people reading and putting the information gained from it to good use. Crucially, we could all benefit from checking our own non-verbal signalling.
In the past, NVC – including gestures, facial expressions, tone of voice, eye contact and posture – couldn’t be measured. But with the advent of neuropsychology and new methods of data collection, we need no longer rely on observational claims. Now, we have the technology to provide quantifiable data, which has allowed researchers to conclude that NVC really does influence human behaviour on a profound level, and we can’t afford to ignore it. For example, researchers at MIT were able to collect data from a wearable electronic device that measures face-to-face interactions of complex situations, such as asking for a raise or applying for a new job. These unconscious cues will always play a role when we meet someone, whether we want it to or not. We will be transmitting and receiving non-verbal signals that reveal what we actually feel and – to an extent – think, and this will affect our meeting in a way that will either strengthen or weaken our entire relationship with the other person. On its most basic level, the more we “speak the same language” non-verbally, eg share approximately the same voice tempo and timbre and use the same type of hand and body movements, the closer to each other we will feel.
When someone says they want what is best for us, we trust and like them if their non-verbal message is congruent with their verbal one. But when we get a nagging feeling that we are being lied to, even though the spoken words are reassuring, it might well be because the non-verbal message tells a different story. Throughout human history, this level of communication has been our favoured tool for forming lasting social bonds and societies.
Yet we’re still not aware of its impact – on ourselves and those around us – which means it is easy to misinterpret signals. We can accidentally generate negative feelings in people who we are trying to make happy. We talk to someone and look upwards to think or reflect, not knowing that this small action can make the other person feel inferior. Or we see a furrowed brow but miss the relaxed jaw, so we think that someone is angry with us when they’re just concentrating. It doesn’t take much more than this to weaken a relationship that we really want to strengthen. And so on.
It seems we aren’t communicating as well as we ought to be able to. This is important, because if you’re aware of your NVC, you can finally make yourself heard at work, regain the respect of your teenage offspring, and create more trusting and productive relationships. But the benefits go beyond this: research shows that there is only one variable completely necessary for long-term happiness – to be engaged in a few genuinely close and intimate relationships. Without such relationships, we can never hope to thrive. And our NVC plays a huge role in forming them – just as it did before we had speech. By using little things such as touch, small facial changes (to convey emotional reactions) and adapting our body language (to show similarity in the way we move through life), we let others unconsciously know they are safe with us.
By learning how to recognise and control some of our non-verbal habits, we can form the relationships we need to live productive, creative, happy, and meaningful lives. It isn’t rocket science. We simply need to realise how and why it works, so that we can put it to better use.
Say it without words: body language tips
• Watch your feet When we think about our body language, we seldom think about our legs and feet. This means they’re a good indicator as to where someone’s interest lies. If the feet point towards you, the other person is focused on you. But if they start to point away, try to finish the conversation in a polite way.
• Cuddle in sync Non-verbal relationship building is a lot about adapting to someone’s preferred way of communication. You can experience the power of being “in sync” with this very hands-on exercise. Embrace someone you know well. Notice the vast difference in breathing in sync and out of sync with them. One way creates a feeling of togetherness, the other of awkwardness.
• Always look for more Don’t assume that someone is angry just because they cross their arms. It is a common mistake to derive meaning from just one observation. If you spot a certain signal in someone’s body language, look for more clues that point in the same direction, before you decide what it means. After all, crossed arms might just mean the room is a bit cold.
• Drop one word This is a verbal tip. Avoid using the word “not”. It’s a lot easier to tell someone what you do want. You’ll find you will become more expressive and positive by dropping this one word.
• Check your rapport So you’ve improved your NVC, but how can you check if it’s well received? This is easily done by making a slight change in your own body language; take a step back or turn your body a bit. Notice whether the other person follows your movement. If they do, you have created an intimate bond.
The Art of Reading Minds by Henrik Fexeus is published by Yellow Kite, £14.99
