The nation has never been less “summer body” ready. We have all been eating constantly, and massively sedentary. Meanwhile, the lack of clarity surrounding what’s going on with travel abroad means we have no idea if anyone outside our back gardens will ever see our bodies anyway.

At the very least, it looks as if most of us will be taking holidays in the UK, where you are less likely to reveal your body because you are far more likely to see someone you know. There is something about being abroad that makes you believe you are in some sort of witness protection programme, and so can behave completely differently. I know a couple who seem as reserved as you like, but holiday exclusively at nudist resorts. I realise that me saying “I know a couple” makes it sound a lot like it’s me; let me assure you that I am barely comfortable enough with my own body to get naked when taking a shower.

I am taking this opportunity, therefore, to suggest that we put the summer body to bed for good. The idea that you spend weeks getting yourself down the gym, and avoiding anything delicious just so that you can look better at the beach has a negative social impact on everyone. Even if you do look great, you are making everybody else’s holiday worse. Other people will look at you, and rather than thinking, “Doesn’t that person look good?”, they will look at their own bodies in shame, and might even decide against having an ice-cream that day. Do you really want to be responsible for stopping people having ice-cream? I mean, I do, because I find dairy morally reprehensible, but you get my point.

During lockdown, we have experienced an amnesty from worrying about our physical appearance: our hair has got out of control; we have stopped worrying about what we are eating; and we haven’t even bothered to dress our bottom halves. It has been a wonderful paradise that I am sad to see go by the wayside as we head out and about again. I am finding selecting outdoor shoes more stressful than I remember. I am hopeful that wearing slippers outside might catch on.

Everything I have said so far shows that I, too, am guilty of body fascism – I am equating being slimmer and more muscular with “looking great”. It is not great. It is a choice – one that comes at the cost of your spare time, carrying chicken breasts on you at all times, and only being allowed to eat bread when there’s a full moon.

There is an argument that I am being equally proscriptive in the other direction – dictating that people cannot aim to be summer-body ready if they so choose. If others want to spend time getting themselves trim, who am I to stop them?

I fully agree with this, but my issue is with the terminology, and the expectation. We should lose the terms “beach ready” or “less disgusting for summer”, and feel absolutely zero pressure to “prepare” for a holiday. I would also argue that beaches should be segregated so that all the six-packers can admire each other, while the people with a more relaxed attitude can kick back without the fear of a “Daniel Craig coming out of the water” scenario to make them start crying about how many Pringles they’ve eaten.

So that’s it: my summer body is ready, and it’s big and bouncy and my nipples aren’t quite straight. Deal with it. Or most likely, don’t – because I usually keep my T-shirt on.