Age: As old as food itself.

Appearance: Very smart and scientifically responsible.

How uncouth. Not at all. In fact, eating with your mouth open might just be the best way to experience food.

I don’t believe you, but explain yourself. Research from the University of Oxford has revealed that chewing your food with your mouth open can help to release volatile organic compounds.

Yes, help to release them all over the tablecloth, you disgusting oik. Not at all. The research revealed that opening your mouth can help aromatic compounds to reach the back of your nose. This, in turn, boosts your olfactory sensory neurons, which makes food taste better.

I don’t follow. It’s a bit like swishing wine around in a glass before you drink it.

Oh, now I understand. So will you do it?

Absolutely not. Whatever happened to manners? Oh, you mean the societal construct invented to unnaturally regulate human behaviour, so as not to offend the sensibilities of an increasingly redundant ruling class?

Yes, exactly. At the end of the day, you have to ask yourself a simple question: do you want to adhere to a pointless system of etiquette for the rest of your life, or do you want to enjoy food as it was designed to taste?

The first one! Haven’t you been reading? Always the first one! OK, fine. If you want to improve the taste of your food, but you don’t want to open your mouth, there are alternative methods.

Like what? Have you tried mindful eating? It’s a method that forces you to concentrate fully on whatever you happen to put in your mouth. With every forkful you ask yourself a series of questions. How does this taste? What temperature is it? Is it hard or soft, crunchy or chewy? How does it feel when I bite down on it? What emotions does it conjure?

No, too laborious. Then you could try thoroughly chewing everything you eat. Smashing everything you eat into a fine mush before you swallow will not only aid your digestion and reduce stress on your oesophagus, but some claim that it can also make you more sensitive to taste.

Also, too laborious. I don’t know, then. Just cover everything in loads of ketchup?

If that’s what it takes … Or, you know, you could just be free and easy and try eating with your mouth open.

Never! I really hope someone publishes a study that links putting your elbows on the table with immortality. You’d explode.

Do say: “Eating with your mouth open can make things tastier.”

Don’t say: “Unless you’re sitting opposite someone who is doing it.”