Name: Shower oranges.

Age: The shower orange trend first surfaced on Reddit in 2015.

Appearance: Wet and orange.

I suppose this is a new beauty fad – is it a gel, an oil or an exfoliating gadget? No, it’s an actual orange. People are eating them in the shower on TikTok.

I’m prompted yet again to wonder: is humankind OK? Probably not, but we’re squeezing out whatever drops of happiness we can find, including from shower oranges, which “will bring you pure unbridled joy”, apparently. They are “the most liberating act of food consumption ever”, according to one TikTok.

This fan of family-size cherry bakewell trifles in the bath begs to differ.
Well, you also get the vitamin C without the sticky fingers.

But what about the orange peel clogging your plughole? You seem tense: perhaps you need this DIY citrussy wellness ritual. Eating a cool, juicy orange in a hot shower is a pleasing sensation, plus the steamy shower combines with the oils in orange skin to create an aromatic “spa-like” experience. You know, like those capybaras that bathe in yuzu.

Those what that do what? You must have seen those tranquil giant South American rodents hanging out in hot springs filled with floating citrus fruit?

I think I’d remember if I had. Well, they enjoy a warm spa bath with yuzu. The Izu Shaboten zoo started it in the 1980s, and now many zoos in Japan give capybaras yuzu spa days. Actually, human yuzu baths are a Japanese winter solstice tradition, considered soothing and good for mind and body, so maybe shower oranges aren’t that outlandish.

What outlandish things are people getting up to in their showers then? Many: #showertok is a 5bn-view phenomenon. How about trying the “everything shower”? You slog through a gruellingly thorough beauty routine: shaving, exfoliating, deep cleansing, masking … One fan described it as “the worst experience, but kind of the most euphoric”.

Absolutely not. What else? You can wash your houseplants, brush your teeth, drink beer (there’s a shower beer appreciation subreddit) ... Madonna pees in there, of course.

Ew, does she? Well, she told David Letterman it was good for athlete’s foot. Then, of course, there’s the whole leg-washing debate.

I’ll regret this, but please elaborate. You must remember the great leg-washing debate of 2019: the whole internet was divided over whether you actually need to wash your legs when you shower, which, of course, you do.

Ridiculous. They get washed by the runoff! And my legs aren’t dirty! They might be if you eat enough oranges.

Do say: “Vitamin C and oils are a vital part of my self-care shower routine …”

Don’t say: “… so I hope you’ll enjoy my new broccoli and mackerel ritual, guys.”