As the great Oliver Cheatham once sang, “I like to party … Everybody does.” Except, it’s not true, is it? Not everyone does like to party. In fact, it never ceases to amaze me how many people will admit, in private, to hating parties. It’s actually quite hard to find anyone who is a self-confessed party animal, especially since the pandemic.

And yet the party spirit lives on. People continue to have birthday gatherings, host soirees (even though they can’t pronounce “soiree”) and insist on having work leaving dos no one wants to go to except the people nobody wants there. Sometimes I’m not sure why we do this to ourselves. But we do. And it’s got to be a good thing – otherwise, our lives would just be work, home and the screens. When you put it that way, maybe parties are the only vestige of humanity we have left. We’ve gotta fight for our right to party – with confidence. Here’s how.

Be kind to yourself and others

Since there were no social events for months at a time over the past few years, it’s hardly surprising that some of us are feeling a little out of practice. Psychotherapist Philippa Perry says: “I see sociability like a muscle – during the pandemic, a lot of this muscle atrophied and hasn’t yet got back to pre-lockdown strength. Personally, it shocked me how much social muscle I lost. At my first gathering, a book launch, post-lockdown, I lasted a mere 45 minutes and was exhausted by it. I think it’s taken me a year to get back up to speed. And I’m a 65-year-old outgoing type. God knows what it must feel like to someone who is still forming as a person and is usually shy anyway.” Give yourself some time to recover the muscle.

Be a good guest (level: basic)

The old-fashioned advice to “be a good guest” never fails. How can you make yourself useful? What would your granny want you to do? Pour drinks. Take coats. Hand out napkins. Plump cushions. Answer the doorbell. Take photos. Try to embrace the idiocy that is small talk. (“Have you come far today?” “Can I fetch you some olives? Or perhaps a cashew?”)

Be a good guest (level: advanced)

No one likes a suck-up. Unless you are the party host, have just bought 50 crates of picpoul and spent three hours weeping over “easy-to-assemble” Ritz cracker canapés that won’t stick together: then you love a suck-up. David Carter, interior designer and party host extraordinaire, says: “If you don’t know anyone, the trick is to find out who the hosts are.” You then “Introduce yourself, thank them for inviting you, and then gushingly compliment them on their home, their outfits, their jewels, their hair … basically anything they have clearly spent a lot of time or money on. In no time at all, they will be enthusiastically introducing you to their closest friends.”

Drink before the party (and then don’t drink at all)

There’s a new version of “pre-drinking” (drinking ahead of a party or before you leave the house): only one pre-drink allowed. Alice Lascelles, author of The Cocktail Edit, explains: “My favourite party drink is the sharpener before the party. A little ice-cold martini mixed by my husband or a glass of fizz poured by me.” It’s the next instruction that is the crucial bit. “Sometimes that’s the only alcoholic drink I want or need all evening.” Mic drop. Let’s repeat that: the only alcoholic drink all evening. If we could all do this, there would be less social pressure around relentless drinking, which would make everything more pleasant for everyone. Other alcohol-cautious tips include: telling people you can’t drink because you have a particularly virulent urinary tract infection. No one ever questions you further.

Remember why you are going to this party

Have a goal. The best reason to go to a party is to make connections and connect people with each other, says Truda Spruyt, party fan and a managing director at PR agency Four Communications. She has organised parties featuring painted elephants and rose petals cascading from the rooftops (thank goodness not the other way round) and has hosted “dry” events on a grand scale, including for the International Prize for Arabic Fiction. Her best advice? “Seek out people who are standing on their own and talk to them. Ask lots of questions. People will feel more comfortable talking about themselves and you are bound to learn something interesting.”

If you can’t remember why you are going, don’t go

There is no shame in occasionally avoiding social events. Although if you’re going to make a conscious decision to do this, then keep it to yourself because no one will appreciate you telling them that you’re not coming to their party because you can’t see the point. We assume far too easily that parties have some kind of special social or professional benefit without really having evidence that this is true. Think about why you are party-avoidant, though. Do you really just not want to go? In which case: OK. Or are you just a bit scared? In which case: this is a bad excuse because everyone is a bit scared of everything, if we’re honest, and part of being an adult is about keeping others company while we all freak out about how stressful life is.

Dress in anticipation of the temperature

A keen awareness of the potential temperature at an event is vastly underrated as a life skill. “There’s nothing worse than feeling sticky in rigid clothes,” says stylist and artist Yvadney Davis. “For women, go for a loose-fit maxidress in a playful colour or print, or a pair of wide-legged trousers and crisp shirt. All paired with standout jewellery, sunglasses and for extra flair, a fan.” (Karl Lagerfeld would approve.) Men should opt for linen shirts and chinos instead of jeans and T-shirts. Davis adds: “And I have a soft spot for straw hats, which are stylish but practical, too.”

Plan your outfit from the ground up

The standing-up at parties can be never-ending. Plan your shoes with respect towards this deadly fact. “I tend not to match my shoes to my outfit as it feels too contrived,” says stylist Nicola St Louis. “I’m a fan of an unexpected pop of colour. Or a block heel. For those who like to stay away from heels, I recommend a statement fisherman’s sandal – preferably jewelled. Kurt Geiger does great ones.” For men, St Louis says no to flip-flops and yes to smart Birkenstocks. “Or a canvas low top with an invisible sock.”

No one cares about dress codes (even if there is one)

I was recently at an event where one guest came in black and thought she had “missed the memo” because everyone else was in colour. But there was no memo. It was all in her head. But what if you do miss the memo? “If you make a mistake with the dress code, the first thing you must do is let go of the shame,” says Davis. “Be gentle on yourself; it happens. Reframe your outfit error as something to celebrate. If you look and feel great, enjoy the party. No apologies and no outfit regrets.”

Make others feel fascinating

We all get intimidated and think people are looking at us funnily or looking over our shoulder. The key is to try to let go of this very normal self-consciousness. “Focusing on someone else is the best way to forget your own anxiety,” says Spruyt. This is also, by the way, the definition of the best party self to inhabit: “happy high status” – a concept borrowed from acting and comedy where you control your ego and maintain a comfortable neutrality; neither better nor worse than anyone else, at ease with yourself and with the world. Tip: turn up wanting to make everything about other people. Repeat to yourself: “It’s not about me.” Then have a great time.

Happy High Status by Viv Groskop (Transworld Publishers Ltd, £16.99). To support The Guardian and Observer, order your copy at guardianbookshop.com. Delivery charges may apply.