Remember when men were men, women were ladies, and there were only two types of massage: the Swedish massage, and the, er, other kind? Ah yes, the good old days, before all that aromatherapy Ayurvedic mumbo-jumbo came along and stole the show.

Well, this treatment (a combination of Swedish and Thai massage) is massage old-school style. The kind that leaves you feeling as if you've gone a few rounds with Tyson. It's a no-frills treatment: no paper knickers, no tedious whale music; even the essential oils are optional. It's massage for purists, and not for delicate flowers. In fact, you are more likely to be grimacing than drifting off, and while I don't usually get off on that sort of thing, this was amazing.

After being pushed, pummelled and stretched to within an inch of my natural life, any muscle tension had melted into submission. What's more, a few days later, I'm still feeling the effects, and the bruising is barely noticeable.

· Deep tissue massage, £50 for one hour, Penninghame Health Clinic, London, 020-7724 4004.