I am a 29-year-old man who has no idea what to do with his life. I have worked in sales, recruitment, administration, production, the service industry and had my own business. Within months of starting each new challenge I feel bored and anxious. I often feel there are many things I want to achieve, but that I don't have the self-belief to succeed at all of them. Rather than pursue one thing wholeheartedly, I dip my toe in the water.
While I have looked at several careers, I haven't found one I want to pursue with vigour. I am a musician and have recorded music and played live with bands. I believe I'm a good writer and I have submitted freelance work to various publications.
I recently left a long-term partner, but I don't believe these feelings are connected to this, because I have felt like this since I was 21. I have a confident manner and don't have any problems meeting women.
Five years ago, I suffered a nervous breakdown and, despite having counselling, never received an adequate explanation of the cause. My parents had just divorced and I had recently graduated from university, moving to a place where I didn't know anyone.
I am intelligent and have the ability and personality to become very successful, but I fear my life would be dull and predictable if I actually achieved that. I am looking for advice on how to sort myself out.
Focus on your achievements
Sometimes we have to change the way we view life. Begin to do this by writing down any positive aspects of the day each evening - this will help you focus on the value of your achievements and experiences, however small they may be at the moment. Start to appreciate what you have now, rather than hankering after what you believe you should have at this point in your life. The chances are that you already possess many of the things that constitute a good life, such as friends, good health, somewhere to live and a steady (if unsatisfying) job that provides you with the money to live and do things you enjoy. You are still very young and shouldn't feel guilty for not yet finding your feet. I think that the late 20s bring about a crisis in many people - especially if they aren't "settled", and you are right to feel that a boring job that doesn't stretch you would lead to frustration.
Have you considered travelling? Why not take six months out and travel somewhere, with or without a partner. Have you considered teaching? With your musical skills and intelligence, you sound ideal for this. That's a challenge which is unlikely to be boring, and you would be an inspiration to others.
LD, Warrington, Cheshire.
Come up with a practical strategy
It is very important to recognise that many people are in jobs they do not enjoy, however self-assured they may appear to others. The most lucrative, high-flying career can feel like a trap. It takes a lot of courage to decide to change your life, but now you need to come up with a practical strategy to enable you to step off your conveyor belt of monotony. Make an appointment with a careers adviser and discuss the sectors you are interested in - you probably have many of the relevant skills, but accept expert guidance on how to get further necessary experience.
Consider arranging some work experience - if you're still unsure which route you want to take professionally, sampling other work environments could help to clarify your options. Also, an evening course could help get you motivated about learning something new, while the weekly deadlines and camaraderie with other students should boost your self-esteem. Try to seek out a mentor who is already doing the sort of job you would like to do. Respect their time and be humble but enthusiastic in your dealings with them. Many people would be flattered to have their expertise and experience valued in this way, so research who would be the best people to approach.
You should also consider volunteering for a charity that you particularly admire - it could give you further useful hands-on experience and getting positive feedback from people truly grateful for your time and dedication might boost your sense of self-worth. It may also help you see your own life differently.
JL, London
Alter your definition of success
In the past few years, you have taken your finals, moved somewhere with no existing support network, experienced your parents getting divorced, suffered a nervous breakdown, come out of a long-term relationship and changed your job several times. These life-changing events all score highly on the Holmes and Rahe scale of stress indicators.
When people are under stress, the body reacts by producing the hormone cortisol, which is similar to adrenaline. This leads to a craving for excitement and restlessness. Hence the paradox: although you yearn for the challenge of changing your job, meeting new people and experiencing different places, your experiences make you fear the anxiety and trauma these could cause, so you stick with the safe, if boring, status quo.
I have found myself in such a vicious cycle and have learned to manage it by leaving work on time and staying in a job that I don't particularly like but don't particularly hate, because it offers stability while I retrain for another career. Change your definition of success - measure it by how much enjoyment you get from what you do and how much it benefits other people. Value your relationships, and don't define yourself by your job.
The prospect of being 30 has prompted you to re-examine your life. So make a list of the things you want to achieve. Then make a list of all the most satisfying parts of your previous jobs to see if there is a theme. It may be autonomy, working with others or creativity. Think about a career which combines these and pursue it with vigour. Include other goals too. Try yoga to help you relax.
JJ, via email
What the expert thinks Linda Blair
In order to sort yourself out, you need first to define your problem. Then, because change is difficult, you need to motivate yourself to make the necessary adjustments to your life to get what you want professionally. Therefore, the next step is to imagine the advantages you would expect to enjoy once you have overcome your present difficulties.
You describe a number of frustrations - feeling directionless, miserable, anxious and being unable to remain interested in a job. You claim that you want to be successful; yet you also fear that if you were to gain the status and challenge you crave, your life would become dull and predictable. This ambivalence - wanting to overcome your problems but at the same time dreading what would happen if you actually did - blocks any way ahead. In truth, although it looks as if you have several different problems, they all stem from one main difficulty: your fear of committing yourself wholeheartedly to anyone or anything.
Examine this ambivalance carefully. Why do you believe it is so stifling - even frightening - to propose and stick with a direction in which you can channel your energy and passions? The answer, I suspect, lies in your past.
You say you had a breakdown five years ago, just after your parents divorced. Their separation must have felt like a breaking of their commitment, not only to each other but also to you. Furthermore, the timing of their split and your own reaction to it were unfortunate catalysts that magnified the distress you must have felt about other things going on in your life. You had just come to the end of a relatively stable period as a student, and you chose to leave behind all that was familiar to you. Instead of the fresh start you had hoped for, you felt overwhelmed and isolated.
Nevertheless, many young people nowadays have to live through their parents' divorce, and are forced to leave behind friends and familiar environments to begin a new life elsewhere. Despite this, most of them manage to get through such an experience without a nervous breakdown. Therefore, it's likely that something happened well before your parents' divorce that made it feel particularly overwhelming when it happened. If, in your counselling sessions, you did not detail your beliefs about commitment, talk about your past, look for a time when you experienced overwhelming feelings of abandonment, I strongly advise you ask an analytic or cognitive analytic therapist for help to do so now.
Once you understand the source of your fears, it will be possible to leave them behind, and adopt a more positive and constructive attitude to the relative risks and joys of devoting yourself to something or someone. You will never find a sense of purpose solely in a job or a lover or, indeed, in anything that's "out there". Only when you have made a commitment to whatever you choose "out there" and started to work within it, will you discover the satisfaction and clarity you're seeking.
Next week
Should I forgive my husband?
We have been married for six years and don't have children. My husband has a business that isn't doing well but he doesn't try to improve its performance, while I work extremely hard to support us. We've had many problems communicating about family and money - he resents that I call him lazy and irresponsible.
About a year ago, he changed the way he dresses, started to work out, and staying late at the office. I caught him watching internet pornography again - when this happened a couple of years ago, we almost divorced. Recently, I suspected that something was going on with a secretary at his workplace, but he denied it. One day, I planted a recording device in his office and sure enough, she flirted with him shamelessly and he responded with enthusiasm. I demanded he fire her the next day, which he reluctantly did. He still denied having an affair and was resentful of my criticisms of her behaviour. Afterwards, I sent him articles on how hurtful an "emotional" affair can be, and he tried to justify his actions by attributing it to his need for attention. He said he is attracted to her because she is sweet, non-judgmental and he needs somebody to talk to without worrying about being right. My dilemma is whether to get divorced. I want to forgive him and start our life together again, but don't know if I can forgive him knowing that he was using me and willing to hurt me for the sake of his own happiness.
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