Age: See under “time immemorial”.

Appearance: Wretched.

“Dixon was alive again … spewed up like a broken spider-crab on the tarry shingle of morning.” Oh God, my head … Why are you typing so loudly at me?

“His mouth had been used as a latrine by some small creature of the night and then as its mausoleum.” For the love of God, be quiet. Leave me be. I wish to die alone.

“During the night, too, he had somehow been on a cross-country run and then been expertly beaten up by secret police. He felt bad.” Yes, yes, I get it. Lucky Jim, Kingsley Amis, the most famous description of a hangover in the world. I vouch for its veracity. Must we talk about this now? It’s my tarry-shingled morning after the night before.

Yes, we must. A new survey by Macmillan Cancer Support suggests that Britons spend 315 days – nearly a year of their lives! – hungover. That sounds like a woeful underestimate.

Ooh, shall I do the maths? Quietly.

Suppose a drinking lifespan of 60 years – say, from the age of 15 to 75. Divide 315 by 60 and you get 5.25 occasions of overindulgence a year. I appear to be frontloading my allowance. At a rate that suggests I need to go teetotal for the remainder of my days. Which may not be much.

It’s a good thing October is nearly here then, isn’t it? The closing of the gap between me and a merciful death does sound good at the moment, yes.

I mean it’s time for Go Sober, Macmillan’s month-long campaign to get people to give up drinking and raise sponsorship money to fight cancer. Does drinking give you cancer?

Well, it doesn’t help, but no – these are separate-ish issues. You do yourself some good while also doing some for Macmillan. If I were feeling better, I might be interested in unpicking the notion of non-altruistic charity, but as it is – could you just pass me an Alka-Seltzer and sod off?

Right you are! Quietly. Always quietly.

Do say: “Of course I’ll sponsor you – I love your liver and hate liver cancer!”

Don’t say: “Another bloody sponsorship form? Christ, pour me drink. Make it a double, while you’re there.”