What you hold in your hands is more than just a book that can change your life for ever. It is a system that has taken me minutes to cobble together. So hold the book in your right hand while you listen to the hHypnotic trance on the CD. Allow yourself to experience the massive sense of relief … when it ends.

This book will take you on an extraordinary journey. To the charity shop where you will find all the other diet books that people buy in January and throw away in February. I've already written two books that have helped literally billions of people lose weight, so I can understand why some might say: "Paul, do you really need to write another?" If weight loss were the only issue, I would have to agree. But the fact is my agent signed a three-book deal, and I have a tax bill to pay.

What I want to share with you today is an insight granted to me by the great eastern mystic, Gok Wan. None of us are born fat. Well, not very. Food is the way by which many people have learned to deal with their emotions; and thanks to my revolutionary psychosensory havening techniques, you will still be able to eat like a pig and not put on any weight. I once worked with a hugely successful lawyer who couldn't stop himself wolfing down a giant pizza at 4pm. He wasn't hungry at that time; it was just the time of day when he was most aware his wife had run off with another man. By getting him to realise he was actually just as miserable in the morning, the lawyer learned to eat the giant pizza at 11.30am instead.

I now want you to listen to my CD. You may fall into a trance so don't try to operate any heavy machinery. Like lifting your lunchplate, fatso. One, two, three ... you're under. Hmm. You just can't beat Richard Clayderman's Souvenirs d'Enfance, can you?

OK. So you're ready to start the system. The first thing you should know is that I want you to eat less and to stop eating when you think you are full. And yes, since you ask, you were full about 20 minutes ago. The most undeveloped territory on Earth is not the Amazon nor the Antarctic. It is the human heart. Your emotions are the pathways to the new territories of the heart, and right now you're blocking them with bucketloads of sugar and super-saturated fats.

It is time for you to release the grip your emotions have on you. We all feel anger, sorrow and fear at times, but we don't have to be dominated by them. Sometimes even I get depressed when I think I haven't helped enough people in any one day. But thanks to the astonishing amygdala reprogramming technique, I have learned to reframe my negative thinking. You may be sad that one of your close friends has died. That's normal. But now try imagining that she was probably about to lose her job. See? It's so much better. Now, you can be glad she's died as she's avoided a lot of stress.

I don't pretend this is going to be easy. There will be many occasions when you will find the desire to self-sabotage irresistible. At such times, I want you to do the following exercise. Close your eyes and hold your hands out in front of you. In one hand, I want you to imagine the old, chubby you, chomping your way through a packet of Hobnobs watching television on your own. In the other, I want you to imagine me chatting to Jeremy Clarkson. You or me? Which is it to be?

When you're thin, the hardest part is to learn how to deal with all those fatties who aren't part of your new celebrity lifestyle. When I see people walking round with extra pounds around their bum, I see people waiting to be taken for a few quid. It may take you some time to reach that level of empathy, but if you try hard you can manage not to be too patronising.

So let's start. Let's track your success day by day by filling in the form at the back of the book. Oh! You stopped on day four.

Digested read, digested: Same time next year.