The following correction was printed in the Guardian's Corrections and clarifications column, Saturday January 6 2007
We wrongly converted a baby's birth weight of 8lbs 15oz as 51kg in the article below. It is 4.1kg. A 51kg baby is an impossible 112lbs 6oz.
About 10 years ago, I visited a psychic fair, where mediums were giving personal readings. I was drawn to one in particular, who held a piece of my jewellery and went on to name all my children, my ex-husband and my current husband. She was so accurate about things she couldn't possibly have known that it was eerie. Finally she said, "You're going to lose so much weight that people will cross the street because they won't recognise you." I felt a bit defensive then. "Go on," I laughed. "I bet you say that to all the big girls."
I've been chubby since I was a child - my birth weight was 4.1kg (8lbs 15oz). During puberty I lost a bit of weight, but the smallest I ever got was about a size 16. When I got married, I grew bigger and bigger. I had three sons and never shed the baby weight. It was the start of an endless cycle: I'd put on weight, get depressed, eat some more, and always plan to start a new diet on Monday. You name it, I've tried it. The Scarsdale diet, the cabbage soup diet ... I've taken tablets that made my heart race. I even signed up for injections from a crank doctor.
My children were very worried, so they sent me to a Harley Street GP, who said that if I didn't lose weight I'd be dead within 10 years. My father had suffered from chronic heart disease and had needed an open heart bypass at 49. My grandfather had died of a massive heart attack at 36. I figured I was probably just next in line.
Society doesn't like fat people and you become indoctrinated in that hatred. I used to look at myself in the mirror and think, "You're fat, you're ugly, you're repulsive." If anyone took a photograph of me, I'd try to hide my 17 chins with my hand. I have a great job as a primary school teacher, and a great family, but still I just wanted to curl up and die.
Meeting a friend of mine one day completely changed my life. I hadn't seen her for a while, and she looked entirely different. Amazing, actually. She had lost around 10st having had a gastric band fitted about eight months before. By this time I was 54 and 136.5kg (21½st). I knew I had to bite the bullet. My granddaughter, Elah, had just turned one, and I had had a photograph taken with her on her birthday. My face looked like a cube. I thought I wouldn't live to see her grow up.
My children agreed to pay for the operation, which would involve keyhole surgery to place a small band around the top of my stomach, if I could find an appropriate surgeon. The first one I saw was an eminent doctor who put me through six months of psychiatric screening and other tests. In the end he said my best option was a gastric bypass, and that the mortality rate for someone of my size would be one in 75. I knew that a gastric banding would be a less invasive and risky procedure, so I insisted that that was what I wanted, but the doctor didn't think I was capable of making such a big change to my eating habits. "I'll do the operation," he agreed, "but only if you'll sign a form saying that it's against my wishes." I walked out of the consultation.
I felt desperate then - even with money on offer, no one would help me. Then I saw an item about the Healthier Weight Centre on TV and decided to go and see them. I met the medical director, who said there was no reason why I shouldn't have a gastric banding; the mortality rate would be about one in 10,000. In a gastric bypass they have to open you up and re-plumb you, but a gastric band can be fitted laparoscopically, and the surgeon doesn't have to cut into any of the organs, which naturally makes it much safer. The band is just fitted around the upper part of the stomach, forming a pouch about the size of a golf ball. That pouch becomes your new stomach.
When it came to the operation a few weeks later though, on January 20, I was incredibly scared. I was bigger than ever, and fears that I could die under anaesthesia were running through my head. Fortunately, it went well. Coming to, I just felt like someone had given me a bit of a kicking. It was like having a baby, really, in the sense that you quickly forget about the pain because of the brilliant results.
My surgeon told me I should get myself a breakfast-sized plate and use that for all my meals. "If you decide, 'To hell with this, I'm going to order a pizza', you'll be in big trouble," he said, which was good advice. If you eat too heavily after a gastric banding you can end up forming another stomach in your oesophagus. The gastric band isn't a miracle cure. There are certain things that you can't eat and it's different for every patient. One chap I met at a support group can't eat sausages. Most can't eat bread. Pasta is difficult, because it swells in the stomach, and I can't eat bacon and shellfish, because you can't chew them enough. It's even possible to gain weight if you don't treat it properly. A friend of a friend liquidised everything she would normally have eaten - cake, chocolate - and ended up bigger.
But I changed my lifestyle completely after the operation, and I've been losing weight quickly and steadily. I clearly must have consumed so much more than my body needed. I never had fast food, but I might have sat down and eaten half a small chicken. Now I have a drumstick, and I'm more than satisfied. I was 127kg (20st) when the surgery was done. Eleven months later I'm down to 79kg (12½st).
My life has changed hugely. "Aren't you looking well?" people keep saying. They don't say, "Haven't you lost a lot of weight?" in case I feel hurt that they thought I was big before. I'm not crazy, though. I know how big I was.
It's weird, because my psychological outlook hasn't quite caught up with my body yet. I'll catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror and think, "Who's that?" I look at photographs and I don't recognise myself. Last Saturday, we went to a dinner dance and I bought an evening dress with shoestring straps. I've never worn anything like that before. I kept saying to my husband, "I don't look fat, do I?" because, in some ways, I still feel really, really big. I just can't tell what I am at this stage. Nicely rounded?
Some patients replace compulsive eating with other compulsive behaviour, but I'm the opposite. I used to have a couple of gin and tonics and some wine with dinner most nights, but now I only drink a little wine at the weekends. I was drinking because I was miserable before. My only compulsive behaviour is buying clothes. For years, I've been limited to shops such as Evans and Ann Harvey, but now I can go everywhere.
I'm getting close to my goal weight, but I must be carting around about a stone of extra skin. I've got such lovely bingo wings that I'll never need to buy another plane ticket - I could probably fly myself. I'm 55, so my skin's not as elastic as it used to be and, having lost so much weight so quickly, it does show. I will have to have that removed.
I've heard of people who've had a gastric band having negative comments made to them - probably out of envy - but I haven't really experienced that. People have been derogatory to my husband, though. About six or seven times now people have said, "Watch it - she'll be off with somebody else", which is awful. It's been the support of my husband and family that's made all this possible - that and the support of the clinic. You hear some horror stories about people's experiences with operations such as these, but I honestly don't think I could have found doctors more caring and helpful.
Back in June, I had some blood tests and they showed that my blood sugar is now normal, my cholesterol is normal. Now I'm off my blood pressure medication and I can give up my antacid tablets. One day recently, my mum just grabbed me and said, "I wish your father was alive to see you, because it was our greatest dream that you would lose weight."
The next step will be maintaining my weight. It is possible to have the band let out - otherwise you'd keep losing weight indefinitely - and I will have that done, because I'd like to be able to eat a reasonable-sized meal again. I will have earned that. However, I'm going to work hard at managing my size - the friend who inspired me has had her band for three years, and her weight is stable. If she can do it, I can too.
I just pray that I'll see Elah grow up and get married, as well as my two other grandchildren, who are due this year. My kids, too - please God - will have me around for much longer.
Until January 2006 I felt as though I was trudging up a huge hill, and since then it feels as if I have been sliding down the other side. By Easter, the weight problem that has plagued me my entire life should finally be over. Already, many people don't recognise me. The psychic turned out to be right about that as well.
· As told to Kira Cochrane. For more information about weight loss you can contact the Healthier Weight Centre at healthierweight.co.uk, or call 0800 073 1146.
