Sheraton Grand Spa
Call me vain but this is not a good look. I'm lacquered in multi-coloured mud - green body, white face, pink hair. I resemble a malfunctioning traffic light. The good news is that I'm relaxed. No, make that comatose. And that's exactly why I've come to the Sheraton Grand's One Spa, a subtly lit, hi-tech cocoon in the heart of Edinburgh. There may be orchid-covered sanctuaries in the Orient and hot stone havens in California, but award-winning 'One' is proof you needn't fly thousands of miles for top-notch pampering. Resembling a giant translucent glass box, the £15 million building opened in 2001 and claims to be the most advanced city spa in Europe.
That's perfect because I want to check the effects of a weekend's mud, manipulation and mellowness. Can it provide balm for my mind as well as my body? I'm certainly a valid guinea pig. After an insane dash to the airport, I discover I've lost my mobile phone. I don't need serenity, I need sedation.
I kick off in the thermal suite, a unique journey through several heat treatments. A tropical rain storm is followed by the dry Laconium, whose Roman-style stone benches are heated to 65C. After an eye-popping rub with ice cubes, I stretch out in the heat of the Scandinavian rock sauna, before moving on to the low-humidity, scented air of the Bio Sauna.
A metaphorical dash down to the Med into the Turkish Hammam's aromatic steam is followed by the Aroma Grotto and a cold 'fog' shower reminiscent of Dumbarton in February. I finish by collapsing on to the Tepidarium's warm ceramic couch.
Half an hour's snooze and the head therapist leads me into the Serail Mud Chamber. I'm lightly basted with clay and essential oils before steaming with herbal vapours. Spa devotees claim the mind will follow the body, but so far it's the physical benefits that are most obvious. I can feel my spine flexing as the tension drips away. I have a meal before painting the town a vague pastel and sleeping through several weird dreams. Shortly after waking, I'm back for two more hours of bespoke treatment.
I'm to experience ESPA's Ayurvedic Holistic Body Treatment, whose 'echoes of the ancient wisdom' promise to transport me 'from the hectic pace of everyday life into receptive calm'. Blimey! After a welcoming foot-washing ritual, there's a rock salt body exfoliation, hot oil rub and Marma massage to unblock my energy channels. I fall asleep and wake for the finale - a facial and head massage. Afterwards, I read a Cosmo article on enjoying better orgasms. It's too much like hard work. A replenishing Guinness sets me up for a reckless second spin around the thermal suite.
The final feeling is strangely contradictory - calm yet energised. I'm less stressed, although complete inner peace is perhaps asking too much of a spa weekend. My last minutes are spent on an underwater massage bed in the outdoor rooftop hydropool with 37C bubbles massaging my buttocks. The monks of Pluscarden are unlikely to agree, but this truly feels like heaven on earth.
Factfile
Sheraton Grand Hotel & Spa: 0131 221 6400; www.sheraton.com/grandedinburgh. Doubles from £120. One Spa: 0131 221 7777; www.one-spa.com. Serail Mud Chamber: £28. Ayurvedic holistic body treatment: £110.
EasyJet has seven daily flights between Luton (and five from Gatwick) to Edinburgh, from £25 return including tax (0870 6000 000; www.easyjet.com).
Pluscarden Abbey
4.45am. It's not yet light but I'm sitting in a chilly chapel for one hour 45 minutes of Gregorian Chant and prayer. Over the course of a day not designed for sufferers of chronic lumbago, I'll attend six more services, spending more than four hours on a hard pew listening to Latin worship.
It's not an endurance test. It's one of the most restful breaks of my life. The monks' mesmerising chant, washing over me like a tranquilliser, is as noisy as it gets at Pluscarden Abbey near Elgin in north-east Scotland. I'm on a four-day silent retreat that Father Giles, the Prior, refers to as 'solitude, soliloquy and straightening of the soul'.
In fact, Pluscarden's Benedictine monks aren't silent, they talk moderately though you won't hear unnecessary trivia or Hello! gossip. My fellow guests, including a headmaster, artist and BBC trainee, take the same approach, but have been briefed that I'm incommunicado. My days are to be filled with smiles, nods and contemplative stares.
Arriving at the abbey in the wooded valley of Pluscarden is to step out of the modern world. White-robed figures wander past mellow stone buildings dating back to 1230. The only sound is birdsong, bells summoning the faithful to prayer and brief introductory words from Brother Gabriel. 'I used to be on a conveyor belt,' explains the former accountant. 'I gave it up for God. You should have seen the MD's face. He'd just given me a 75 per cent pay rise.'
Guests sleep in St Benedict's (the women's quarters are St Scholastica) where rooms are named after monastic saints. Mine, St Hugh, is spartan yet comfortable, and soon feels more homely than a formulaic luxury hotel. After 6pm prayers, we join the monks in their refectory with its splendid vaulted ceiling. Forget nouvelle cuisine, these are hearty dishes - mainly home-grown fruit and vegetables. We dine in silence while a monk reads us edifying books including Gladstone's biography. He just about covers a chapter a meal: we're seated, served and cleared away in less than half an hour. Genuine fast food.
It takes me surprisingly little time to adjust to the abbey's disciplined timetable. I sit in silent contemplation between services and hike alone up the hill in the free hours after lunch. Far below the monks are tending the vegetable garden, making stained glass or bottling honey. Apart from the occasional RAF jet, the abbey lives under a 14-tog, double-down duvet of silence.
After 48 hours, I'm experiencing what a Californian psychotherapist would call a strong 'internal dialogue'.
Major life events flash vividly through my mind: first day at school, losing my father. At other times it's career and relationship paranoia. Occasionally I talk loudly to myself. Sometimes I argue. Were ramblers passing, they'd give me a wide berth. My behaviour isn't uncommon. Father Giles later tells me many guests are uncomfortable with silence, having used noise to conceal their spiritual bankruptcy. 'It prevents you listening to your God and your heart.'
I attempt one diversion from silent contemplation, but St Benedict's jigsaw is impossible, a 1,000-piece monster of the Sistine Chapel.
While, as a lapsed member of the Church of England, I don't find huge religious significance in the Benedictine worship, I'm certainly far calmer by the end of my stay. Worries are more in perspective, problems less unsettling.
It also works for celebrities. On the final night's candlelit service, I discover the next pew occupied by Dame Judi Dench. I'd expected to find peace and piety at Pluscarden, but not Oscar-winning actresses.
And I realise I'm affected by far more than the silence: the abbey really is an escape from the insanity of modern life. After my last 4.45am prayers, I'm walking back to my room when I stop mid-stride. A brother, his white hood pulled up against the morning chill, is walking slowly through the gardens. In the low-lying dawn mist, he appears to be floating. It's an impossibly serene moment.
Hours later I leave, carrying a CD of the monks' Gregorian Chant. I'll play it on stressful days. It will be an instant sedative, transporting me from frenetic London to one of the most magical places I've ever visited.
Factfile
Contact: monks@pluscardenabbey.org. Donations are accepted for retreats.
EasyJet flies daily between Luton and Inverness, from £40 return including tax (0870 6000 000; www.easyjet.com).
Mellow Man's verdict
Near impossible to call. Under One Spa's manufactured regime you place your body, and to a limited extent, your mind, in the hands of expert therapists. At Pluscarden Abbey, despite its spirituality and ancient sanctity, it's very much an internal journey and the benefits to the heart and soul will undoubtedly outlast any massage.
It's unlikely to appear as a two-centre break - those prepared to rise for 4.45am prayers are unlikely to be interested in scented facials - although the 95C Scandinavian sauna might sound attractive on a freezing morning at Pluscarden.
If you liked the sound of that...
Spas
The Spa at Pennyhill Park, Bagshot (01276 486 100; www.thespa.uk.com). Guests at the Pennyhill Park Hotel will be able to enjoy the new spa from 13 January (full opening is in April). Complete with exclusive use of Aboriginal Li'Tya products (such as the Australian Blue Cypress extract, which promises to 'stimulate perception'), the first thermal sequencing suite in the UK (aromatherapy-infused thermal steam rooms, saunas and ice room), hydrotherapy pool, sensory relaxation suites and modern gym. A room costs from £95 B&B.
Atlanthal, 153 Boulevard des Plages, 64600 Anglet, Biarritz (00 33 55 952 7575; www.atlanthal.com). Combined with a Ryanair flight to Biarritz (from £80 return), a stay at the Atlanthal hotel and spa need not leave your bank manager requiring a cranial massage. The hydrotherapy centre offers the 'Basic Cure' (multi-jet bath, affusion showers, algotherapy, mud therapy, massages and functional physiotherapy in the pool) from £496 per couple for six days' treatment, four cures per day and half-board accommodation. Specialist treatments available for pregnant women, smokers, stress and weight problems.
Retreats
Amaravati Buddhist Monastery, St Margarets Lane, Great Gaddesden, Hemel Hempstead, Herts (01442 843 239; www.amaravati.org). The Amaravati monastery practises the South-East Asian Theraveda school of Buddhism: you can join the monks and nuns in their routine where the focus is on meditation. The monastery takes around 30 people, and there is a retreat centre which takes 42 in teacher-led group meditation, family and lay group events. The retreat costs £5 a day and takes donations.
Abadia de Montserrat, Montserrat, near Barcelona (00 34 93 877 7779; www.abadiamontserrat.net). Men, women and children of all faiths can contemplate with the monks in this Catholic monastery, founded in 1025, in the spectacular crags of the Mount Montserrat Natural Park, 50kms north-west of Barcelona. There's a library of more than 300,000 books, a choir school and a museum with paintings by El Greco, Picasso and Dalí, plus treasures from ancient Egypt (including a mummy). There is also a three-star hotel next door (Hotel Abat Cisneros).
These and other retreats in the UK, Ireland, France and Spain are included in The Good Retreat Guide by Stafford Whiteaker (Rider Books, £12.99).
