It's not quiche that real men don't touch but water. Government research has confirmed the theory that male fertility may have dropped because of female hormones from the contraceptive pill in the drinking water. News reports have talked about the feminisation of male fish, as if they had suddenly donned pinnies and couldn't hold their lager.

You can't help feeling that someone is about to suggest that it's all women's fault. The news also gives credence to the urban legend that London water has passed through seven lots of kidneys before it reaches the sea. Now we understand why increasing numbers of people are drinking their own pee: at least they know where it has been.