The Consumer Electronics Show is an annual lovefest between inventors and the gadgetry enthusiasts who love them. For the rest of us, this means we hear a lot about tech trends that sound too ridiculous to take seriously. The Internet of Things? Made up. Wearable technology? Too expensive. Brain microchips? Dystopian science fiction. Robots? Actually, robots sound awesome. Those can stay.

We started #WeirdCES on Monday. Guardian reporters and readers shared pictures of some of the "hottest" trends in action. IRL, some of these things don't even look newfangled: people are still putting weird things on their heads and still taking photos of gadget-wearing celebrities who look deeply confused. With the intel we gathered from #WeirdCES, here's our best guess about what these trends actually mean: 

The Internet of Things = household devices that scare your children but also maybe raise them? 

We're hearing a lot about the "Internet of Things" this year. Has anyone thought about how creepy this could get when actually put into practice?

This little gadget with the very Norman Bates-style "Mother Knows Everything" tagline was spotted by reporter Samuel Gibbs during his first lap of the CES floor. We asked our readers to guess what the hell this thing does – one reader guessed "Electronic Parental Replacement Unit for Newborns". That might actually end up being pretty accurate. But the Sen.se Mother is actually a "household management" device that seeks to improve upon the flesh-and-blog analog version we're born with: it will track your movements and temperature, and works with things called "Cookies" to make sure your lifestyle is optimized. Apparently, 24 cookies can be controlled by a single Mother. Parents, rejoice! 

Also hot: This gadget spotted by Rory Carroll, which looks like the IRL version of DJ Roomba. 

Wearable technology = people continuing to look like idiots in public 

A continuation of the Google Glasshole trend of 2013, in which men put strange techy things on their faces and nearby women just try to pretend it's all not happening. I don't know what this gadget is, but this photo is an excellent Exhibit A: 

Filing this under #WeirdCES. #MashCES pic.twitter.com/F0ok7JN0m8

— Jeff Petriello (¬‿¬) (@thebeff) January 7, 2014

"Glasshole-ing" was definitely a niche activity in 2013. It most popular among white dudes, but was infamously perfected by Google Glass marketing manager Amanda Rosenberg. This year, more ladies are getting involved. Score one for equality. 

Wearable technology = celebrities looking uncomfortable

A random smattering of celebrities – Martha Stewart, Shaq, T-Boz, Stevie Nicks – are among the luminaries descending upon the conference to either perform or promote wearable tech products. Yesterday, I received an email that 50 Cent was live-casting on a video app while using Google Glass. Who knows what that even means? In any case, special attention needs to be paid to Batman, a wearable technology hipster who rocked it before it was cool, who is also on the scene. 

The Internet of Things = tech devices that look vaguely like sex toys 

When I first saw this I didn't think it was a toothbrush… #CES2014 #WeirdCES pic.twitter.com/OkcR7D5mqD

— Brittney Gallagher (@inaquantumworld) January 8, 2014

The subtle team at Gizmodo will go so far as to say this is actually a vibrator – they make a good case – but it's actually a toothbrush that will remind you if you haven't brushed in twelve hours. For travelers, the manufacturer also makes "mini" versions of some of their products. Purely for hygienic reasons, I'm sure. 

The Internet of Things = even more stuff you'll lose/leave at work/leave in cabs

Spotted by Samuel Gibbs, the Tao Wellshell is a motion tracker and fitness gadget that uses isometrics to build a workout. He tells us "it measures compressive power and produces precise exercises using the body’s own muscle power against it. The device can even be used as a game controller for things like Jetpack Joyride, producing a fun workout."

In other words, you will lose this by the time your New Year's fitness resolution is over. 

Robots = Robots

It's robot therapy for anxiety and depression. Sensors respond to cuddles and voice. #WeirdCES. pic.twitter.com/J79AADUSJj

— Rory Carroll (@rorycarroll72) January 9, 2014

Robots appear to be becoming less selfish and more service-oriented in 2014. Rory noticed the Paro robot -- more on this from commenter folderdave -- which will soothe you if you talk to it and cuddle with it. This will no doubt please Mother, who will be listening for activity nearby. 

We're not done yet = there's still one more day to go. 

Rory and Samuel are continuing to scour the floor for tech delights. Follow the stream here.