The government wants to develop a statistical measurement of national "wellbeing" by adding a section about relative happiness levels to the existing household survey, perhaps as early as next year. But what sort of questions could elicit realistic impressions of actual happiness? Below, some samples for the draft survey . . .
What percentage of your new year's resolutions have been maintained until the end of the year?
○ 100%.
○ More than 50%.
○ Less than 50%.
○ None; unless I made one about carrying on with the grinding futility of my existence for another miserable year. I was too hungover to remember.
Did you take at least two weeks' holiday last year?
Yes/No
If yes, where did you spend the bulk of your holiday?
○ Home.
○ UK.
○ Europe.
○ Other abroad.
○ Heathrow airport.
How long, on average, does it take you to get your hair the way you like it in the morning?
○ Up to half an hour.
○ Five minutes.
○ It's usually attractively tousled when I wake up.
○ It's never been the way I like it.
How many steps are you from the nearest beer?
○ More than 40.
○ 20 to 40.
○ Less than 20.
○ Snap fingers; pool boy will bring.
When did you last have sex?
○ More than six months ago.
○ Less than six months ago.
○ Within the last 24 hours.
○ I only stopped to take this survey; honestly, you couldn't have come round at a worse time.
Rate the following statements: 1) strongly agree; 2) agree; 3) neither agree nor disagree; 4) disagree; 5) strongly disagree.
"They say HD doesn't make crap TV any less crap, but it does a little."
"It's deluded to think moving house will make you happier, unless you live where I live."
"I honestly don't have any problems that couldn't be solved by faking my own death."
"Sometimes I think I'm the worst person in the world, until I remember all the idiots I work with."
"My spouse doesn't understand me – phew!"
Finally, which sentence best describes your situation at this point in your life?
"Material possessions have failed to bring me any real satisfaction."
"I'm secure, but I'm also lonely."
"I am comfortable, but I hate the person I live with."
"I have everything I could possibly want, except the time to enjoy it."
"I worry about the long-term future. On the other hand, I'm about to eat a whole cake by myself."
