How healthy are you?

Pretty healthy. I think a lot of it is in the genes. You can be born fat, and I thank God I wasn't.

Do you worry about your weight?

If I could go to the gym to get the body of a junkie, I would. I like skinny. I weigh myself every two weeks, make sure I stay at 165lbs and cook everything out of Cooking Light magazine. I only eat irresponsibly on Saturdays, which means bacon and candy.

Any grooming rituals?

For 40 years I've shaved my moustache from the top every day and trimmed it with scissors twice a week. If I miss, I draw it on with eyeliner.

Any unhealthy habits?

I go out like a coal miner on a pay cheque every Friday night, wherever I am. Friday Martinis are scheduled far in advance on my calendar.

How do you relax?

I get 150 magazines a month and read a lot of books. I also go to the movies.

Is sex important to you?

When people say they had fun making a movie I think: 'That's not fun - sex and drinking are fun.' The sex in my movies is always ludicrous. A Dirty Shame was about every kind of sexual perversion, like the sexual attraction to dirt. I hope I don't get that, but I guess you've got to save a couple of things for your autumn years.

What's your attitude to smoking and drugs?

I haven't had a cigarette for 2,064 days, but I used to smoke five packs of Kools a day. I smoked swimming, I set the bed on fire. As for drugs, I've tried everything. I did heroin once so I could listen to jazz, but I hated the idea of sitting around nodding and puking. Today I only smoke pot once in a while, but I still love poppers. I take them on amusement park rides.

How much sleep do you need?

Now I have seven hours, but when I was young with speed and LSD I didn't need as much.

How do you feel about plastic surgery?

I am against it. If you have bad plastic surgery, it looks like you were brought up poor, moved to LA and didn't make it. If it's good, you just look like somebody else.

Are directors healthy people?

Some are and some aren't, but all of them are control freaks, and they all want somebody to control them in their private life.

· This Filthy World, John Waters's one-man show, is at the Hammersmith Apollo on 18 September (08448 444 748; www.hammersmithapollo.net)