Age: 189. The first vasectomy was carried out on a dog in 1823.

Balls! It's true. And try to treat this with the seriousness it deserves. Vasectomies on men started soon after, but didn't become widespread until the second world war.

Appearance: I'll leave that to the picture desk, who have to come up with something tasteful to illustrate this.

Why are we talking about it? Because new data shows the number of NHS vasectomies has more than halved over the past decade.

That must be down to the cuts. Look, this an extremely sensitive and important subject. The drop in the number of vasectomies is being blamed for a 10% increase in abortion rates among women over the age of 30. You take this flippant view because you are a MAN, and a pretty selfish, uncaring, wantonly sperm-spraying man at that.

Steady on. Why don't we calm down and go back to basics. What is a vasectomy? According to the NHS, it is "a minor operation during which the tubes that carry sperm from a man's testicles to the penis are cut, blocked or sealed with heat".

Bloody hell. I think I need a drink. Oh don't be so ridiculous. It's nowhere near as bad as you're making out. When you have a vasectomy, you get a local anaesthetic, go home the same day, and the bruises on your balls will disappear within a week.

Bruises on my balls!? It won't just be your balls that are bruised if you don't start seeing this from the woman's point of view. As Ann Furedi, chief executive of the British Pregnancy Advisory Service says: "Vasectomy is a safe and reliable method that gives men the opportunity to play an active role in contraception. It is disappointing that the only long-term method which enables men to play this part is declining."

OK, OK. So why are NHS vasectomies falling? Men want to keep their options open. Even once they've had five children with Belinda, they think they might want to start all over again with thirtysomething Melissa. Typical!

Man-hater! Misogynist!

Not to be confused with: Having your tonsils out.

Do say: "How much does it cost to go private?"

Don't say: "It's a snip!"