Scientists - probably the same ones that come out every year to tell us that Father Christmas couldn't possibly fly at the speed necessary to deliver all the presents to good children in one night without turning into Santa-paste - have announced that there is no such thing as a hangover cure. Apparently, the only way to avoid a hangover is by - and I quote - "consuming alcohol in moderation or not at all". As any fule who has ever lunged for that third delightful bottle knows, this is arrant nonsense. There are, in fact, a wide variety of copper-bottomed, surefire, empirically tested hangover cures out there, the most failsafe of which are outlined below.

Vitamin C
Take this in the form of orange juice or one of those fizzy tablets you drop into a glass of water, if you can bear the terrible noise they make the morning after the night before.

The latter has the inestimable advantage of resulting in a drink that tastes like orangeade but is good for you. This is in marked contrast to your recent liquid intake, which has all tasted very nice but been extremely bad for you. Research - and by this I mean real anecdotal research among friends, not the square, double-blind-tested, laboratory-based kind - has shown that the beneficial properties of vitamin C are even further enhanced by the addition of two Nurofen. Crazy, but true.

Water
A pint before you go to bed, and a pint when you get up. The great thing about this cure is that if you are still sober enough to remember to drink your palliative before you go to bed, you are still sober enough to remember to get out of bed during the night when you realise you need to urinate. Let me know when science comes up with anything as neat and practical as that, won't you?

Fried food
Ideally, you need three rashers of bacon, two sausages, two eggs, a handful of mushrooms and 18 hash browns. If there is any space left on the plate or you are on a diet, you can add some baked beans. If you are feeling very fragile, you can reduce your intake to the two fried eggs in a sandwich, but do try to get at least a sausage in there too.

If you do not have any of the above in the fridge at your time of need, do not panic. A surprising number of things can be fried in an emergency. In straitened circumstances, I myself have had fried leftover Chinese, dhal, half an avocado and my own sleeve - and they all worked a treat.

Coke
Context, my friends, is all. Yes, on a normal day a concoction of sugar, carbon dioxide and brown food colouring is not the ideal thing to put in to your body. However, on a hungover morning, it is to your Bacardi-poisoned innards as the babbling brook is to a parched and early songbird. Drink deeply and it will cleanse and restore you. And with any luck, "the scientists" will do something useful next year and prove that all that stuff about it rotting baby teeth overnight if you drop them in a tumblerful of our good friend is nobbut a parental scare-mongering myth.

Black coffee
Add enough sugar and it's as good as Coke. Hot, though. If you are actually shaking, best avoid.

Andrews Salts
Again, if you can bear the noise of joyful effervescence, this is the cure for you. A spoonful in a glass of water before bed and again in the morning will see you right. The bubbles, you see, act like tiny, transparent suitcases into which all the alcohol is packed, and their bouncing around dislodges all the tiny hairy monsters that have attached themselves to your system, leaving it sparkling clean once more. This is my own chosen hangover cure, so I know whereof I speak. And again, if you use it to chase down two Nurofen and a cooked breakfast, you will drive the monsters out even faster. The grease helps the bubbles slip around more quickly. You see, I am not a scientist, so I am able to keep things simple for you.

Bed
Just stay there. It's remarkable how much better you feel after a mere eight hours of warm dozing. If you can get a loving partner, dog or paid employee to bring you all the other cures at two-hourly intervals, of course, so much the better.