Dear Paula,
Congrats to you girlfriend! You've successfully managed to combine a career creating and selling the world's most unhealthy dishes with a secret life as a diabetic. You've endorsed cream cheese and pork roasts and and pushed sugar and fat on your fans like some kind of dealer. Now, when your followers are probably most in need of it you're ready to lead them to rehab as spokesperson for a diabetes drug. You hardly need any advice from us at all!
We'll forget that you once said on Oprah, "Honey, I'm your cook not your doctor!" From now on Paula, you can be our cook AND our doctor. So here's a couple of things for you to consider as you manage the combination of eating and branding going forward:
1. Become a spokeswoman for Lipitor. Why stick with curing diabetes, when you can lower our cholesterol too? We're still going to crave The Lady's Fried Mac N Cheese.
(Who wouldn't want seconds of all that macaroni, flour, peanut oil, bacon, eggs, cheddar, breadcrumbs, milk, sour cream and butter?) Joining forces with a cholesterol-lowering company means we can still have our deep-fried bacon wrapped mac n cheese and eat it too!
In fact, while we think of it, sign up with warfarin, heparin and metformin. There's loads of drugs for the heavy and unhealthy out there. No such thing as excess. Endorse 'em all!
2. Rebrand your Paula Deen spice bottles as Paula Deen pill bottles.
We're going to need a bunch of containers for our various pills and needles. You've already got these made and ready to ship. You don't even need to change the description and labels. "Butt massage" for example still works for us, even if the butt in question no longer belongs to our pig but our son.
3. Keep that relationship with Smithfield going. We can never get enough bacon and we love that you've even managed to make it into dessert. So what if the company has faced allegations of cruelty to animals. At the end of the day you have to kill 'em to eat 'em. And those turkey cranberry cupcakes with maple sugar frosting are literally to die for.
4. Don't cave in and go healthy on us. Your recipe for Citrus Salad with Honey Nut Dressing might be refreshing and low fat, but let's face it – it's not nearly as exciting a veggie option as your grilled veggie pizza. Also don't bother starting to list the calorie and nutritional contents of your dishes on your website now. Deliciousness needs no numbers.
5. Couple of other endorsement opportunities for you to consider. You could sign on with the Great John Toilet Company, and endorse a commode than endures a body weighing over 1,000 lbs. That way we'll know where and how to relieve ourselves comfortably when we're done stuffing. And then of course there's the Oversized Casket Company, "Serving the needs of the Oversized Casket Communityfor 25 years!" We're all going to die, some of us sooner than others. Help us prepare, Paula.
6. Finally – ditch The Lady's Brunch Burger. We're not taking a moral stand against serving a hamburger patty with fried egg on two glazed donuts as buns, it's just the that recipe is SO disgusting it makes us want to heave. And we want to keep everything we put in our mouths down.
Good Luck!
Emma xoxoxo
