The worst things to say

"When do you think you can come back to work?" – 15260360Rose

One of my doctors managed to say: 'Oh Jesus! You are so unlucky', which I think is probably not in the training manual. Fortunately, I found it rather endearing. – itsverycomplicated

The worst has got to be: "You're so brave." No! I just got unlucky and I'm dealing with what life threw at me. – cat5pyjamas

After losing twins five months into my pregnancy, I had any of number of people telling me they were absolutely sure I would go on to have more babies – completely missing the point that, at that moment, I didn't want more babies, I wanted the two I had lost. – SuffolkSwede

When my mother was newly–widowed at 40 with three young children, a neighbour said something along the lines of: "Oh, I know just how you feel, one of my budgies died too." – Bliad

We have experienced miscarriage and that too elicits a list of things one should never ever say: "It's nature's way"; "At least you can have fun trying again." Sometimes you get the impression that people "like" to be near disaster, to experience it vicariously. – joshthedog

Worst I had was somebody who argued with me about how cancer feels because he had read an article on it and therefore knew much more than me. – hurihenry

"Stay positive." This has always made me want to throw things, particularly when accompanied by a helpful lecture on the power of positive thinking. – KeriA

Supposedly helpful cliches can be particularly irritating – "Take it one day at a time", for example. My wife was particularly adamant that no one should ever put a notice in the paper praising her "long and brave battle against cancer". – Mrdaydream

My lovely husband hated anyone talking about people "losing their fight against cancer" when he himself was dying. As he put it: "Great, not only am I going to die, they're going to say I'm a loser as well." – Pepperthecat

The one thing the press, friends and family should stop doing is talking about patients having the strength of character to fight the disease. Character or fight has nothing to do with it. Your chances of surviving cancer are based on a whole range of factors. Personality is not one of them. – Avonduke

The best things to say

The most obvious thing to say: a heartfelt "I love you." – KiwiSunshine

When I was off work ill, I found it much easier to answer the question "How are you today?" than the usual "How are you?" You can be honest and don't have to go through all the ups and downs of the past weeks. – dtb200

Almost anything is better than people avoiding the subject. When somebody is ill they need to know that their friends, family and doctors care about them. So a telephone call, visit or even a card can make a lot of difference to their state of mind. – bill9651

Best thing ever said to us when our daughter nearly died after a car accident (76 days in hospital): "Aren't we lucky we live in the 21st century and she still has a chance?" Seems strange to talk about luck in those circumstances, with about a dozen machines keeping her alive, but too damn right. – SDGreig

It seems clear to me from the piece that [Deborah], like many other people with serious illnesses, just wants her friends to be there, talk normally about mundane things, and make her laugh, rather than seeing her illness as the only thing worth talking about. – flossmoss

Whatever you're going to say – or not say – be prepared to keep it brief. Sometimes the only thing you can do is shut up and go away. Hard, but true. – deeplyblue

Still confused

I fret endlessly over what to say and this article has me as confused and paranoid as ever. It seems everything you say is going to be wrong. "Get well soon" to a terminally ill person? No, I don't think so – but what? "Hope your last days are as good as they can be"? That is wrong on so many levels. Can we please have a followup article "What to say"? – SimonG1

Are there any etiquette rules in respect of publishing caustic attacks on close friends who have only been trying to help following a serious illness? – peacebeuponme

This is exactly why I don't talk to sick people. I mean, I have unreserved levels of sympathy for the afflicted but if whatever I say is going to make you worse, then it's clearly better if I just keep my mouth shut. – slimypants

Deborah's wrong

Don't ask you [how] you're feeling, don't offer support or encouragement, don't express personal upset, don't remark on appearance either positively or negatively, don't ask about your condition, don't make plans to see you … Think I'll just not be your friend. – eroica

Others are pussyfooting around this but I'm going to say it. Get over yourself, you're being far too precious. Just because you have cancer does not mean the whole world has to censor itself in case you take exception (and yes, I have been through, and am still dealing with, life-threatening illness). – jybay1

Speaking from experience

The worst experience I had when I was going through treatment was friends and family staying away from me because they didn't know what to say or didn't want to say the wrong thing. The loneliness I felt was actually worse than the illness. – Lushattic

Maybe tell them to read Susan Sontag's Illness as Metaphor and suggest they get back to you when they have finished it. I had more or less the same range of reactions from others when my same-sex lover of 35 years died suddenly last year. It certainly helped me prune my address book. – jackheron

1001 Movies You Must See Before You Die. Not a good gift. – Dappier

The last time I saw my grandad was when he was dying in a hospice and I had not seen him for a year or so. I awkwardly blurted out that "it's been a while since I saw you last" and he started crying. I have felt terribly guilty about it ever since. – AdieLee

Eight years ago, a dear friend died of cancer. Those three months were awful – for her, who had accepted that she was dying but still found the process agonisingly hard: for her family (she had children aged 14 and 11) and for her friends. I knew we had to try to suppress our own grief but it was impossibly hard. Cancer is an absolute bugger. People who have it are entitled to shout, to swear, to be as grumpy and bitchy as they like – it's their bloody life on the line. I know what we did helped, but it was the hardest thing I have ever had to do, and the worst three months of my entire life – but I'm still here, and she isn't. – elfwyn

My boyfriend was in this position a few years ago and chose to tell as few people as possible as he found other people were far worse at coping than he was. The best reaction by far was one of his closest and most socially awkward friends offering to give him a lot of money. He politely refused. – ojame

This isn't about you. My chronic illness is not your excuse to tell me you also had a weird pain. While I am telling you something painful and personal, please try to make it about me even momentarily rather than turn it round to you and your preoccupation. No one is giving out gold stars for suffering. – gherkingirl

Do come to visit, hospital gets awfully boring real quick. Don't visit the day after a serious operation, but do remember to visit on the latter half of the hospital stay when the boredom is getting really bad. – tessaleonie

We lost our two-and-a-half-year-old daughter to cancer. It's language I find so hard to stomach when people post facile "I kicked cancer's arse" comments on Facebook. No, science, medicine and exceptional care helped you through it. Was my daughter somehow less valiant, less of a fighter? No, she struggled on and sadly did not make it. – adamproops

When I was told by a friend that he had cancer my immediate response was: "Sh*t, that's a real b*gg*r, isn't it?" I see that is not listed as unacceptable, so shall use it again if the unfortunate occasion arises again. – dilliethedog

Yes. Cancer sucks. I do not need to be told how much it sucks by everyone else. Just help me get on with beating it. – kathryninstereo

When my five-year-old son was having treatment for cancer my then MIL did the best thing anyone could have done. Saying nothing she came round when I was at hospital, cleaned my house and filled the fridge with food so I didn't have to think about it. Practical and wonderful. – disabledboysmum

I have just gone through six months of traumatic treatment and I understand totally that people don't always know what to say – that's fine. But to everyone criticising Deborah on that point, just bear in mind that the person going through the treatment is having a much harder time than you are. You might feel a bit uncomfortable – tough luck. I'm dealing with the fact that I might not make it through the treatment and, if I do, my body's been wrecked by it. – SharonE6

Deborah Orr: What I learned from the responses

Regrets about what one said and didn't say are inevitable in life. The French have that great phrase for it – L'esprit d'escalier, or: "What I wished I had said while I was stomping down the stairs." I wish I'd said, in my piece: "Don't comment on your friend's appearance, unless you can honestly tell them that they look good. Tell them instead: 'It's really good to see you.'" A lot of the trouble, not just in situations of extremis, but in the way humans communicate more generally, is with semantics. "Whatever I can do to help" is overwhelming. "Tell me what I can do" is intimate. Authentic, intimate and focused on the recipient's situation, not one's own reaction to it, is always, always good enough.