First, the sensational news. I have lost half a stone; well, OK, about 6lb if you want to be picky. Now, admittedly, 6lb is less than 3% of my original weight (guesstimates on a postcard please), but it's a start. Only another 35lb to go. The news would have been even more heartening but for a weekend spent in Vienna, where gyms have barely penetrated - Jörg Haider's jogging obsession is not shared by his fellow countrymen - and every menu is a death trap. How the Viennese manage to waltz eludes me; it is a miracle they can walk.
Everything comes soaked in butter or garlic sauce; meat - grilled, griddled, cuttled and occasionally raw - appears to be obligatory; and strudels and tortes (there should be a law against them) are a way of life. All the hard work of the past six weeks swam before my eyes - and promptly drowned. My food charts make X-certificate reading.
But Vienna was an aberration and the fightback has begun, with boxing the latest weapon in the fitness war: more punch, less paunch. Now, there may be some who think it ridiculous that I should be trying out boxing on the health pages; shouldn't it, they might aver, be on the anti-health pages? All I can say is that this is a form of boxing (sometimes called "boxercise") that minimises the danger of injury: you get all the "fun" of boxing with none of the fury (not to mention brain damage).
My personal trainer, Sam, and I have been sparring more or less since the beginning. He stands there with large pads on his hands, which I pummel wearing boxing gloves. He showed me how to jab with the left (if that's your weaker hand) and save your right for the bigger punches. Boxing is good exercise - with lots of leg and body movement - and an excellent way of releasing aggression. It's tiring - because you have to move and punch at the same time, so everything is being used simultaneously - but also rewarding in a way that conventional exercise isn't.
The treadmill can, as everyone who has used a gym knows, get pretty dull, no matter how diverting the boy bands cavorting round on MTV are. Boxing provides a way of varying the exercise, interacting with someone else, and setting goals - not just increasing stamina, but becoming a better technical boxer (punching is more about body positioning than hand or arm power, and it is easy to assess how well you are doing it).
When Sam left me for his girlfriend a couple of weeks ago, I cooked up a little scheme - to take him to a boxing gym where he could pit his skills against a proper boxer. Which is how last week we came to be standing in the ring at Jimmy McDonnell's boxing gym (slogan: "Get fit and don't get hit") in London's Camden Town.
Jimmy was a world-class fighter in the late 80s, won a European championship at featherweight and fought for two world titles. He now trains some of the UK's best professional boxers, some gifted amateurs and a varied bunch who are training to get fit or to explore some mythic notion of masculinity. Women are welcome here too, by the way, and plenty show up: they enjoy the release of aggression, can learn self-defence, and are particularly attracted by kick-boxing.
M y hope was that Jimmy would show Sam the ropes, and lots of the canvas too. But it didn't work out that way. Instead, Sam and I did all the fitness stuff, danced around the ring punching Jimmy's mitts (he would occasionally give you a friendly cuff around the head and tell you to keep your guard up) and then sparred with each other (gentle body punches only).
We did four three-minute rounds (a workout for regulars would last 10 rounds or more; a workout for the pros could be three or four hours) and it was utterly draining. This is anaerobic (as well as aerobic) exercise: the action is so fast and unrelenting that there isn't enough oxygen for the body (at least this body) to recover. After 12 minutes I was out on my feet: I spent the last couple of minutes limply punching (nudging, actually) a punchbag. The judges made the bag the winner on points. Sam, needless to say, survived the ordeal much better. So much for revenge.
Without necessarily donning the gloves and entering the ring, there are several things everyone can learn from boxers and apply in their own fitness regimes:
• Discipline. Boxers may damage themselves in the ring, but on the whole they don't damage themselves outside it. "Don't put bad oil in a good engine" is Jimmy's dictum. Avoid drink, drugs and cigarettes, and watch your diet. (Jimmy says he has never sworn, smoked, tasted alcohol, taken drugs, or consorted with any woman other than his wife; his only vice, he says, is telling lies.)
• Jog to build up your stamina (but check with your doctor first if you have any history of heart trouble).
• Skipping is a good form of cardio-vascular exercise and a way of building up leg strength.
• Try circuit training: a series of short, intensive exercises designed to get your heart rate up. These might include press-ups, lunges (taking a stride forward and letting your trailing knee almost touch the floor), squat thrusts (jumping up from a squatting position), sit-ups, skipping, and running on the spot. Spend five minutes or so warming up and stretching; then do each for 30 seconds, with 30-second rests between them; go through all the routines twice, so that your heart rate is raised for around 20 minutes in all. This combination of exercises combines aerobics with resistance work, needs no equipment, and can be done in the privacy of your bedroom.
• Put the theme from Rocky on your CD player, and shadow box in front of your bedroom mirror. It will raise your heart rate and teach you to be light on your feet. You will look ridiculous, but who cares? After all, nobody ever laughs at Lennox Lewis.
• Stephen Moss is spending three months working out at Matt Roberts at One, 1 Aldwych, London WC2 (0171-300 0600). Jimmy Macs boxing gym is at 111 Camden High Street, London NW1 (0171-387 8050). It offers boxing and kickboxing, and runs individual and group sessions.
