My kitchen is strewn with bloodstained pipettes, I feel like a pincushion and have peed on several sticks today. No, I'm not a pregnant drug user - I've been tasting the joys of BodyWatch home health kits, the latest development in the trend for on-the-spot testing.
For a while now, many chemists have offered rapid in-house tests for things like allergies or cholesterol counts. But with these new home test kits you don't even have to move from your couch. You can stab your own finger and get your cholesterol count in minutes.
There are currently five home health-tests in the new range - the first in Britain to be available off the shelf. If you're prepared to pay (anything from £5.95 to £29.95) you can test your cholesterol level and blood group; discover whether you have a urinary tract infection and (if you stagger to the post box with your sample) you can diagnose your allergies and assess your risk of developing osteoporosis.
This all sounds harmless, even empowering. The idea is that you'll be reassured if the result shows you're at a low risk. And if the tests go the other way, you can rush to your GP and do something about it. Self-testing is not for the squeamish, and being mildly phobic about needles, I approached these tests gingerly. But after three stabs of the lancet I'd squeezed enough blood out of my fingertip for the cholesterol test, all without passing out.
In fact, the greatest challenge was getting the result. You have to compare the colour of your test strip against a chart made up of various subtle shades of green. I found it hard to differentiate between the shades, so plumped - as most optimists would - for the one with the lowest number next to it. Deciphering the meaning of this involved another blood test and some equally painful long division. But finally I had my result: "normal". I felt instantly perky and decided on chips for tea, thereby demonstrating the obvious danger of false reassurance offered by inaccurate testing.
The British Heart Foundation is aware of such pitfalls and says that if you're worried about your cholesterol level, you should see your GP. And the British Medical Asso ciation's general practice committee warns that "patients must not rely on these tests as an accurate means of diagnosing illness or disease." But while Michael Smith, a spokesman for BodyWatch, concedes that these tests are "not diagnostic" - or even necessarily accurate - he insists that they are "useful indicators" of potential problems.
If you have early stages of urinary tract infection, Smith argues, you can detect it, buy medicine over the counter, and save yourself a trip to the GP. And if you suspect that you're allergic to nuts, a positive test could be a lifesaver. On the other hand if you suspect you have a potentially fatal nut allergy, a (free) trip to the doctor would be more than justified.
The osteoporosis test, though, is the most controversial of the five. Osteoporosis is a disease where your bones lose density. It usually affects menopausal women. The home test kit measures the levels of Deoxypyridinoline (Dpd) in your urine, to find out how quickly bone is being broken down. But the National Osteoporosis Society says the test can't be used alone for accurate risk assessment and insists that it's irresponsible to promote it.
The best way to diagnose osteoporosis, the society says, is to have a bone density scan. Again, Michael Smith agrees that scans are best, but says that the home test is a useful "indicative tool". In fact, this is suprisingly persuasive: despite the uncertainties (and the cost - £19.99), I found myself trying to persuade my mother to do one, as I'm certain she wouldn't go to her doctor until it was too late.
The notion of preventative health care, then, is an admirable one. But are these health tests the way forward? A recent Health Which? report says: "We're not convinced that all of the tests on offer can really tell you anything useful about your health." My home testing marathon has certainly left me confused... I'm pretty sure my cholesterol level's fine, but maybe I read the colours wrong. I think I'm not at risk of osteoporosis, but, then again, I can't be sure. I haven't - almost certainly - got a urinary tract infection, and I'm prone to hayfever. But I knew this anyway. Still, despite all these doubts, I feel strangely - perhaps dangerously - healthy. Except for a sore fingertip.
