That handy adage that a little alcohol can be good for you is going down the drain faster than a corked bottle of rioja thanks to recent killjoy reports. A team of scientists tracked 800 villagers in Chianti last month, and found that the healing properties of resveratrol have been overhyped (it's also found in chocolate – sorry about that). Then news came from the British Medical Journal that consuming even one alcoholic drink a day could be enough to increase the risk of heart disease. Just in time for the weekend – thanks BMJ.
This caused dismay on the Guardian newsdesk, and several journalists left aside such frivolities as analysing the housing market and the cabinet reshuffle to test a range of non-alcoholic beers in an attempt to find one worth swigging from a cold glass on a hot summer's day. Blithely disregarding any rules that might exist about drinking in the workplace, I sneaked a proper beer in there too, to see how they compared. It was the one that everyone finished.
Our panel featured self-confessed soak Tim Bryan and real ale fan Hilary Osborne – neither of them lovers of non-alcoholic beers; Celine Bijleveld and Joanna Ruck – both non-alcoholic beer aficionados; and Alan Evans, who was just trying to get on with editing the front page of theguardian.com but equally isn’t one to turn down a drink or seven.
Becks Blue Alcohol Free 6 x 275ml (bottles) £3.00 (Tesco)
“A good head, light-looking, like a perry but without any smell, save for a watered down Dettol feel, says Tim. “A neutered beer, defenestrated even!” Hilary disagreed: “Smells beery, not aggressively so, but the taste is full-on, bitter, beer-like.” She thought the aftertaste was an improvement on actually drinking it while Alan found the aftertaste metallic, and grumbled: “I'd be sick if I had to drink half a pint of this.” It didn’t have anyone fooled, either: “Has that artificial aftertaste that'll be familiar to non-alcoholic beer drinkers,” said Celine knowingly. “A tolerable substitute for beer.” Damned with faint praise indeed. "It's very thin,” agreed Joanna. “But it is quite refreshing and does taste the most like beer.”
2.5/5
Bavaria Malt Non Alcoholic Beer 6 x 330ml (cans) £3.00 (Tesco)
The colour of this one and its good solid head won it praise all round. “Is it beer?” asked Tim. “Smells like beer; certainly had the amber colour of beer, with a good taste, light, refreshing, though slightly tinny” (impressive can-detection skills). Hilary was more suspicious, thinking it tasted “beer flavoured” more than beery. But, she conceded: “It has a nice golden colour, plenty of bubbles and a rounded flavour.” “It looks the most like beer in the glass,” thought Joanna. “The liquid is pleasantly thick and has a good beer flavour if a bit weaker. I'd happily drink a few.”
3/5
Bavaria Wit 0.0% Beer 6 x 330ml (bottles) £3.99 (Tesco)
This one divided the panel. “Refreshing, pleasantly fruity without being too sweet or acidic. I think this might be the alcoholic one – but if it's not, sign me up for a crate,” raved Celine, giving it full marks. “Slightly spumey, erring on the side of dishwater in colour. No depth,” countered Hilary (adding, “not nice” and giving it one out of five, just to be clear). Joanna and Alan both thought it looked, tasted and smelled remarkably like a wheat beer. “If someone told me it was Hoegaarden, I'd accept it,” said Alan. Tim was unimpressed, awarding half a mark: “So fizzy it should have been served in a flute,” he scoffed. “Yeasty smell and colour, reminiscent of my Grandma McEleny's larder; a slight whiff of herbal remedy, or a meadow. Awful aftertaste.”
3/5
Bavaria fruity rose 0.0% 4 x 330ml (bottles) £2.50 (Tesco)
The "fruit beer" was variously compared with rosé wine, Tizer, Ribena, Vimto or a disappointing alcopop. “It's pink! It looks like cranberry juice. No one would ever make a fake fruit beer surely,” mused Hilary Holmes. “It's really sweet, but with a grown-up aftertaste. It's quite drinkable. It's 100% not beer.” Alan thought it “far too sweet, but not completely horrible if rosé wine is your thing and you can get over the Jelly Baby bouquet.” “In no way like beer,” said Joanna. “Teenagers probably wouldn't be fooled,” noted Celine. “It's drinkable but if you'd be better off with a more robust flavour if you're going in the fruit direction.”
2/5
Fosters radler zero 0.0% 4 x 300ml (bottles) £2.50 (Sainsbury)
While the Bavaria fruity rosé was likened to Vimto, Fosters Radler drew a favourible comparison to Robinson’s barley water. “I didn’t know whether to drink it or drizzle it over my crayfish and rocket salad," said Tim. “Good and cloudy, zesty and very refreshing. The sort of beer you could buy your two-year-old.” “Smells like lemonade, fizzy in the way a soft drink is, tastes like lager and lime – in a surprisingly good way,” offered Hilary. Top watcher Alan was impressed with its head retention. “Tastes like elderflowers and country gardens in summer – delicious, but nothing like beer,” he thought. “If it had alcohol, that would be dangerously drinkable.” In common with others, he gave it high marks for tastiness, and scored it low as an approximation of beer. “I'd drink this as a soft drink, not a beer substitute,” summed up Celine.
3/5 (across the board)
Cobra 0.0% 4 x 330ml £2.50 (Sainsbury)
“Oh my god, what the hell is THAT?” First results in for Cobra didn’t bode well. “Smells hellish, tastes slightly sweet but mostly just disgusting,” continued Celine. “With the taste and darker yellow colour, I suspected one of the food team had just weed in the glass as cruel joke. Ew.” Hilary was more measured: “It does taste beery, but there isn't a great deal of body. I could definitely drink a pint of it, but it would probably benefit from a lemonade top (which isn't the sign of a great beer).” Tim thought it “wouldn’t have looked out of place on a pub table, dark sandy colour, lively, slightly cloudy vista, but with a weak head that smelled of little but sourness”. Joanna was of a similar mind: “This one is horrible. It's bitter but with a sickly sweet aftertaste.” “Not nice at all,” concluded Alan. “Smells a little like hops but tastes like cleaning fluid.”
1.5/5
Becks 4.8% 6 x 275ml £5.50 (Sainsbury)
The boozy one. And identified as such by the whole panel, with only two imposters coming at all close (both the wit and malt offerings from Bavaria). The urine theme continued, but in a positive way for Tim. “Great strong head, the colour of urine. Less fizzy and more tasty than the others. This, I think, is the beer.” Ding. “Smells like a genuine pint,” noted Hilary. “The froth on the top is a little reminiscent of scum, but not off-puttingly so.” Okaaay. “Smells really good. Tastes very clean, if someone told me this was Beck's, I'd probably believe them,” said Alan, with uncanny accuracy. “I think this is the real beer. It has a fuller flavour, a good head, the liquid has more viscosity," said Joanna, showing dedication to the task at hand. I can also feel the alcohol unless I'm imagining things” (explaining any problems on the picture desk later that day). Finally Celine allowed this, along with her beloved Bavaria wit, as: “another possible candidate for the alcoholic ringer". Top marks all round, then.
4.5/5
