If only, argue cheerless health professionals at Nice, the British public could stop lying on the sofa jamming its collective face with stale pizza and iced gems while watching TV tripe for just one day a week, then maybe, just maybe, we might have a chance of beating the obesity epidemic. Are they insane? The schedules just got good.
That said, here’s the Guardian’s definitive guide to which is the worst day for telly from this weekend onwards for the weaklings among you who don’t have the nuts to watch TV as God intended, ie 24/7. Yes, we know that you can timeshift, but in reality catchup TV only accounts for a fifth of British viewing, so don’t spoil the story.
Saturday
I’m gluing myself to the sofa. Why? Partly because I want to be in when Doctor Who confronts machine-based nemesis Skovox Blitzer, partly because Chalky White’s on the run from the chain gang in Boardwalk Empire, partly because I want to see Andy Murray’s mum take out the hoofer trash on Strictly, but mostly because Rosamund Pike is reading the CBeebies bedtime story. Fingers crossed, Rosamund will tuck us in and give us a goodnight kiss too. I’d rather be fat than miss that.
Sunday
Let me ask you this. Are you a terrorist who dreams of hoisting your flag above Buckingham Palace? Well, Sunday is the night to do it. We’ll all be glued to the posh rumpy and servant porn on Downton, hoping Hugh Bonneville will clean Richard E Grant’s proverbial clock for putting the moves on Elizabeth McGovern. Plus BBC2 is finally showing Andy Serkis in Sex & Drugs & Rock & Roll. Gollum is Ian Dury!
Monday
Michael Moseley, the man who taught Britain to fast, is on Horizon exploring gender differences. Missable? Hardly. Last time I looked, gender affects all of us.
Tuesday
Jennifer Aniston’s ankle bracelet and Louis Theroux’s cousin, Justin, stars in The Leftovers, high-concept hokum set in a town existentially riven by the aftermath of a rapture-style event? David Morrissey as a disillusioned taxi driver in a BBC1 drama? Man City face Ashley Cole’s AS Roma? Three words: Un. Miss. Able.
Wednesday
Semi-final on Bake Off. Must-see TV, even if the technical challenge doesn’t involve flambéing Mary’s bird-motif blouson from the other week, which really it should. Go Chetna! Or Richard.
Thursday
Smouldering Irish sexpot Cillian Murphy as the Beau Brummie mobster in the second series of Peaky Blinders, which does the impossible, namely glamorises 1920s Birmingham? I’m so there.
Friday
Oh dear. Blight by panel show as QI, Have I Got News For You and Would I Lie to You all return. Unless – as I do – you fancy Ashley Walters as inept cop on comedy pilot In Deep on BBC3, this is the best day to get slaughtered down the pub, though Nice probably opposes that too. Give up Fridays.
Which day would you find easiest to give up?
