I am a single father of two girls, aged five and seven. Recently, my sister had another baby and this has prompted many questions about where babies come from and sex, eggs and periods. The questions are coming thick and fast, especially from the seven-year-old. I'm not embarrassed, but am surprised by how hard I find it to answer these questions as I feel like they are too young to know certain things. I am also having problems with explaining the emotional side of sex, and how it isn't just a mechanical thing. I don't want to lie to them, neither do I want to be whimsical about it, so I've been fairly scientific. I tried to explain periods to my older daughter, but fear I got it wrong as she was horrified. How should I approach it all? A confused father, London
I am going through the same thing with my seven-year-old. The other morning, before breakfast, we had (briefly) covered sex, lesbianism and periods.
The golden rule is to answer their questions gently, simply and factually. But answer no more than what they're asking. Adults tend to panic and give far too much detail – the child gets confused and the adult panics even more and talks even more.
As a child wants to know more, he or she will ask, and this knowledge might be built on over a period of some years. Despite asking about how babies are made since I had her sister nearly two years ago, my elder daughter has only recently asked how the man gets his sperm into the woman. I told her and she asked no more (for now).
I think you're spot on not to dodge the question. The danger is that if you do, she may ask someone else, and then you won't be able to control what they find out – which may not even be accurate. Or they may start to feel it's taboo to ask. I believe it's irresponsible to lie to a child about where babies come from. And some studies show that the earlier children learn about sex, the later they have it. I recently spoke to a child psychologist who said that talking about sex (and various "difficult" subjects such as drugs) should take place around the family dinner table and be part of natural conversation. He said that if you start these conversations when a child is a teenager, "you're starting about six years too late".
Sex education may be taught at primary school, so it's worth asking your daughters' teachers what they're being taught so you can back it up at home.
What about reading a book with them, so you learn about sex just as you would any subjects? Also if you get stuck for words over anything, it's all there to prompt you. One of my favourite books is Understanding the Facts of Life (Usborne, £8.99). It covers everything from puberty, changes in the body and periods, to how babies are made and grow. It's a nice book to go back to (don't expect to get the subject over in one sitting), and while it's scientific and uses proper words for things (I think this is important), it's accessible. When your daughters are older – although there's no reason why they can't read it whenever they want to – there's also What's Happening to Me? (Usborne, £7.99) or Have You Started Yet? (Macmillan, £5.99), which goes into much more detail about periods.
Make books such as these part of your children's library. As your children get better at reading, they may ask you some surprising questions (my eldest recently asked "Mummy, what are wet dreams?" after reading the title in her book. My instant reaction was "Christ, she's too young for this", but I remained calm and just read out the paragraph to her. She couldn't have been less interested.
Remember also that children have no preconceptions about sex. Let them know they can ask questions. As your daughters get older, reassure them that you're always comfortable to talk to them about periods or sex, but if they feel happier talking to a female relative that's OK too.
Your problems solved
Contact Annalisa Barbieri, The Guardian, Kings Place, 90 York Way, London N1 9GU or email annalisa.barbieri@mac.com. Annalisa regrets she cannot enter into personal correspondence
• This article was amended on 14 January 2011 to clarify that sex education may be taught in primary schools, but is not part of the national curriculum, as our original version said.
