We both have genital herpes. We've been married for 33 years, both of us are sexually faithful, and were only occasionally troubled by it until a few years ago. Now no sooner are we free of it than one of us infects the other and we have to abstain until it clears up. We have Aciclovir tablets but a course makes you feel run down.

We really enjoy sex with one another because it's fun and we love each other, but herpes puts a dampener on everything.

Talk with your doctor about some prophylactic options (for example, daily suppressive therapy) and do something about fortifying your immune systems. It is believed that stress and fatigue increase the likelihood of an outbreak, so try to relax and rest more.

And with your doctor's approval, you might be able to use condoms and latex dams so your penetrative or oral activity is not discontinued.

You may also discover that there's no ban on having sexual experiences that do not include genital contact – such as role-playing and erotic talking. Make lists of delicious, no-contact erotic styles – perhaps a few of those that each of you has secretly fantasised about – and consider trying some of them.

But when symptoms are bothersome, talk with and comfort each other as often as possible, and try to remember that the disease is extremely common so you're not alone.

• Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a psychotherapist who specialises in treating sexual disorders

• If you would like advice from Pamela Stephenson Connolly on sexual matters, send us a brief description of your concerns to private.lives@theguardian.com (please do not send attachments)