I love my partner wholeheartedly. He is beautiful physically and emotionally but I have a much lower sex drive than him. I force myself to have sex, just to keep him happy, because I am afraid he will leave me if I don't. I rarely enjoy it and most of the time I fake orgasms so that it will be over quicker - sometimes it's painful because I'm not aroused. We have been together for a few years now and I have felt like this almost from the start. I'm only 33. Is it possible that I have just lost my libido, and is there anything I can do to bring it back?

Firstly, never ever go through with having painful sex; that could lead to your developing a serious sexual disorder. Has sex been fulfilling with previous partners? If so, what is different now? Are you more stressed, fatigued, angry? Less healthy, or experiencing side effects from any medications? Check it out and, if so, make changes. You should be able to get more pleasure from sex - it's a mistake to think that men just want to have easy sex with a "perfectly responsive" partner. A man usually notices if you're not actually excited - and his penis doesn't feel good inside you if you're too dry. Most men really appreciate a woman who shows them how to arouse her but it seems that you are too reticient or nervous to do that. You deserve to enjoy sex. Your belief that he would leave you if you were candid about wanting more out of the experience is likely to be inaccurate. When a woman is truly turned on, a man knows and loves it.

• Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a clinical psychologist and psychotherapist who specialises in treating sexual disorders.

• Private Lives appears every Thursday. You are invited to respond to this week's main problem. If you would like fellow readers and Linda Blair to answer a dilemma of yours, send us an outline of the situation of around 250 words. For advice from Pamela Stephenson Connolly on sexual matters, send us a brief description of your concerns. All correspondence should reach us by Tuesday morning: email private.lives@theguardian.com (please don't send attachments) or write to Private Lives, The Guardian, 119 Farringdon Road, London EC1R 3ER.