I am a 27-year-old woman and I have only ever loved one man, whom I broke up with five years ago when he met someone else. Since then, apart from a year-long loveless relationship that ended two years ago and a couple of flings that were entirely sexual, I have been single and have suffered from recurrent bouts of depression.

It seems that I am stuck in a vicious circle. I meet someone I like, try to get to know them, we flirt and I may ask them out. However, it always seems to end up with them not being interested in me. Often I also find out that they have started to see someone else.

Then I enter a period of depression, have nightmares and visions of them with that person, which makes me feel physically ill and very distressed. All this only stops when I meet the next man, then the cycle repeats itself.

I can't complain about other aspects of my life - I'm outgoing, have good friends and my career is going well. Despite all this, I have only been happy over the few last years when, however erroneously, I believed that someone I liked felt the same way about me. I am worried that this will continue and that I will never be considered a serious prospect. Should I guard against this by waiting for someone to make the first move?

Find your own happiness

My only serious relationship, from which my son was born, was under constant strain because of my girlfriend's depression and eating disorder. Obviously, there were other problems that made the relationship difficult and ultimately led to its demise, but at the time I couldn't deal with the knowledge that her happiness depended on my constant support and reassurance. To my great shame and regret, I ended up cheating on her as a way of escaping this responsibility, and to hasten the end of the relationship.

After deep soul-searching and the passing of considerable time, we have both moved on and found happiness elsewhere, although I suspect she is equally dependent on her new partner. Perhaps that isn't a bad thing, but I would suggest that you will never find happiness in a relationship while you are unhappy yourself, as the pressure and expectation won't allow the relationship to grow naturally.

TL, via email

Personal questions

You state that your "flings" have been "entirely sexual", but could it be that you haven't recognised the growth of tender feelings within these nascent relationships, and, as a result, behaved negatively towards your partners? I have been on the receiving end of this sort of treatment and it made me want to withdraw from the person involved.

Explore how your previous relationship with the only man you say you have ever loved is affecting future connections with other men. Have you truly grieved for not having your ex in your life any more? Or do you harbour hopes of a reunion?

DJ, Leeds

It's good to talk

I also spent many years in the cycle you describe. During my last depressive episode, I asked to be referred for cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT). With the help of a therapist I spent a year discovering the roots of my depression and equipping myself with the skills to manage when, rather than if, it returns.

I realise now that my lack of success with relationships was related to the way I felt about myself and that I subconsciously sabotaged my relationships, in turn "proving" my worthlessness. I spent a lot of time learning to like myself and appreciate my worth. I have met a wonderful man, who loves me as I am, whom I can finally be myself with. We have been together for more than two years and I am now pregnant with our first child. I would urge you to seek out CBT. I found it very effective in treating my depression.

CS, Liverpool

Take a step back

Wait for the other person to make the first move next time. It sounds as though you expect to get to know people very quickly and are taken by surprise when someone doesn't pick up on your cues. Anxiety is getting in the way of your being receptive to potential partners' feelings and wishes.

You may fear that if you stop taking the initiative, you won't have any more intimate relationships, but you may find that adjusting your behaviour enables you to form ones which are more mutual and realistic.

Name and address withheld

A change of approach

I have been in a similar position to you and I eventually came to the conclusion that it was not the failed relationships that were causing my depression - it was the other way around. I was expecting each new relationship to transform my life, to make everything right, which is more than any relationship can bear. Despite brave efforts on my part, my own unhappiness always showed through and, as a result, I attracted (and was attracted to) partners as needy as myself. A series of broken relationships and disappointments was the almost inevitable result.

Explore the roots of your depression and low self-esteem, perhaps with the help of a good therapist. If you can learn to love yourself and become emotionally self-sufficient, you'll be much more attractive to other people. You already have a job you enjoy and good friends, so forget about finding love for a while and just have some fun. Take up opportunities to meet men and get to know them without committing too soon to sex or relationships.

Changing my approach enabled me to meet someone else, and I am in a happy and stable relationship with this person, which continues to thrive after eight years together.

Name and address withheld

· For further information on how to find a therapist in your area, go to bacp.co.uk or call 01455 883300.

What the expert thinks - Linda Blair

You assume that you won't be happy unless someone you desire finds you attractive. You also assume that if you're rejected by a potential partner in favour of someone else, you'll become depressed and remain so, until someone new shows that he's attracted to you.

You seem to have accepted both of these assumptions without question. It's important to examine them carefully before you allow them to dictate your emotions.

Your first assumption is that being single is linked with feeling depressed. Is that inevitable? Have you ever been happy when you were on your own? Are there times when you're out with good friends or caught up in some challenging aspect of your job, when you feel happy or at least not depressed. Are any of your friends single? If so, are you certain that they are continually, unrelentingly miserable? If you suspect that hey experience moments of happiness, why could this not be possible for you?

Secondly, you believe you'll become depressed, and have nightmares and unhappy thoughts, if the person you adore rejects you in favour of someone else. You can't control your nightmares of course, but you can decide how to react to them.

You can also decide what you wish to think about. There's no need to wait until something happens "out there" before you stop feeling miserable. It is possible to take charge of your thoughts, and therefore your feelings, right now.

Try this. Imagine a shark. Think about its powerful body and its vicious teeth, and how dangerous it would be to encounter it. Now bring to mind a playful and cuddly puppy. When you were thinking about the puppy, what happened to the shark? Were you able to keep the shark, as well as the discomfort it aroused in you, in the forefront of your mind at the same time that you imagined the affectionate puppy?

Just as you can focus fully either on a shark or on a puppy, so you can choose to think about being rejected, or instead imagine something more positive. And no matter what happens to you, you're free to choose how you react to it. So if someone you like starts seeing someone else, you can choose to imagine him enjoying being with his new partner. Or you could focus on the fact that you're now free to meet people who are more interesting and attractive than he is. No one can ever force you to think in a particular way or think about a particular subject; whatever happens, you do have some control over how you react.

Your belief that you can only be attractive and likeable if others find you so is upside down. You'll only gain these attributes when you learn to like yourself and are less self-conscious and thus more able to enjoy the people you're with and the things you're doing. A good cognitive therapist can help you challenge your mistaken and unhelpful beliefs, learn to block your intrusive thoughts, and discover aspects of yourself from which to build a positive self-concept. Try to forget about strategies for "capturing" a partner. Use your energy to discover your own strengths and likeable qualities.

Next week

Can fatherhood and ambition co-exist?

My 18-year-old son is the father of a one-month-old baby girl. She was conceived as a result of a brief fling he had with a girl in her early 20s. He was shocked when she told him that she was pregnant but, of his own accord, he decided that he wanted to be involved in his daughter's life.

The baby's mother would like to resume their relationship, and although my son understands the importance of getting on well with her for the sake of their baby, he doesn't want to be in a full-blown partnership with her.

The rest of the family and I have welcomed the baby and her mother into the fold, so there is a lot of support for both new parents, even though I was initially devastated and angry when I heard my son was going to be a father.

He has a very promising career ahead of him and his plan was to move elsewhere to continue his training. There are some in the family who think he should go ahead, get his professional qualifications and visit his daughter when he can, but other relatives believe he should stay put and set his sights lower. My son does not know what to do for the best. He is passionate about his job, yet smitten with his daughter. What is the best way forward?

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