I am a student and am failing at university. I am very behind with essays and preparation for exams. I know I would enjoy my academic work if I got down to it, but I feel so much pressure to do well that I never start any of it.

My parents want me to get a good job that pays well, and are pushing me to apply for internships and choose a career, but I don't know what to go for. I couldn't cope with an internship - I just want a simple job but they would never understand that. They are expecting me, and my brother, to do what they did. That is, get married at 30, have kids and then spend the rest of my life working and bringing up children. From the age of eight, I knew I was a lesbian. This has played on my mind ever since. My parents would be devastated if they found out and would worry about what other people think. They have specific ideas of how life should be lived, ones that I don't fit in with.

I have always denied my gay feelings, but now I feel as if I don't know who I am any more. My mother criticises me because I am overweight, dress casually and am not girly.

I hoped I would make up for my faults by being amazing at something, but I am afraid of failing, so end up not trying. I used to think I wanted to be a writer, but it seems too late for that now. I dream of escaping to a place where I can be myself. I find it hard to imagine having a normal life, either professionally or personally. Where do I go from here?

Find your freedom

Going to university isn't about impressing your parents - it's about you, and you need to take decisions centred around what you want. I'm a gay man. Like you, my parents have always been very important to me. For years I tried to fit in with their view of the world, dating girls, half-heartedly pursuing a career in finance and promising them grandchildren.

It's not really a long-term option, though, and you need to move on from doing the same. Try and relate to your parents on an equal and loving basis. Stop perceiving yourself through their eyes - it's time to take control of your own life.

You say you have "faults", but you don't; you have a personality. Be proud of the fact that you aren't "girly".

Adolescents often find their first experience of romantic love a rite of passage and a first step in moving beyond their parents' control - they find someone else who matters more to them. As long as you deny your feelings, you will be denying yourself that liberty.
J, via email

Talk it out

Many young gay people find it difficult to acknowledge their attraction to the same sex, even if they have had these feelings from childhood. They fear that their family won't be supportive and, sadly, some are not. These feelings of fear and confusion can cause great damage and heartache. However, there is more support around today than ever before for lesbians and gay men.

Your university is likely to have a lesbian, bisexual and gay group, and there may also be gay social groups in your local area. If all of that sounds too difficult, pick up the telephone. The lesbian, gay and bisexual volunteers on our helpline (020-7837 7324) talk to thousands of lesbians every year who are coming out or struggling with their sexual orientation.

You may find that you'll get an incredible amount of support from talking to another gay person about what you are feeling.
Katie Thorpe
co-chair, London Lesbian and Gay Switchboard

Pursue your interests

You say you want a simple job for a while - that's fine. Build a network of friends who appreciate you for who you are and who you are capable of being. That way your family won't have such an emotional hold over you.

As for writing, you can start doing that at any time in your life. Mary Wesley started writing aged 70. Join an online writing community and read writing magazines to foster your interest.

Have you thought about taking some time out, volunteering or going travelling for a bit? This could give you a different perspective on your life. There's nothing like helping someone else to help you value what you have.
Name and address withheld

Speak to your tutors

As a creative writing lecturer and personal tutor, your problems are very familiar to me. It is never too late to become a writer and never too early to think of yourself as one. Everything that you do, think or feel is potential material for writing, but you have to regard it as such. Keep diaries, take notebooks everywhere and do writing exercises for practice. If your degree doesn't include a creative writing component, consider switching to one that does, or join a local writing group.

Visit your GP. It sounds as if you may be depressed. See student services about your mitigating circumstances. Many students fall behind, especially in their first year and are then afraid to come back, so they fall further behind. Your tutor or the university authorities are likely to be sympathetic, particularly if you've seen the doctor, and may be able to give you extra time to complete your work.

Your parents' views on careers for life are completely outmoded; most of my students want nothing of the sort and are anxious not to become trapped in one job for 40 years.

Your parents need to know you can still love them, but that you don't want to live your life according to the template by which they have lived theirs. It sounds as if your brother has the same problem. Can you make an ally of him and approach them together?
Sheenagh Pugh
University of Glamorgan

What the expert thinks - Linda Blair

Let's consider the reasons you give for not feeling able to move forward. You say that you feel so much pressure to do well that you can't start studying. Your parents may exert pressure, but you're under no obligation to react to that. You're an adult, so you have the right to choose for yourself what you wish to do. Once you make your own choice, you'll feel motivated rather than pressured, because the desire will come from your own heart.

The best way to start clarifying in your own mind what you truly want is to write down what you'd like to do. Start today and be positive and specific. For example, if you wish to complete your degree, you may write: "I want to improve my study habits and catch up on my work. I'll make an appointment today with my tutor." If you would rather look for work, your goal may be: "I'll apply for a job. The local bookstore is advertising for staff. I'll start there."

Once you have a clear aim, it will be easier to get started. Look out, however, for any statements containing the word "should", because that implies an obligation to others rather than a genuine aspiration of your own. If you pursue a "should", you'll lose enthusiasm for it quickly.

You also say that your parents criticise you frequently, and that they would be "devastated" if they discovered you are gay. Try looking at things from their point of view, and you'll see why they are so anxiously critical. They know you are unhappy, but they don't know why. For caring parents, this is the most distressing situation possible. They see your pain, but they don't know how to help because they don't know what the problem is. Therefore, they can only suggest what they'd do in your situation.

Only you can decide if things would improve if you were to tell your parents what is bothering you. All I can say is that candour often helps to clear the air. But whether or not you talk to them about your sexuality, they are likely to criticise you less if you seem happier, even if they don't agree with what you decide to do.

You say that you dream of escaping to somewhere that allows you to be yourself. You needn't go anywhere - you already are yourself. You can accept and like that self or not, but that choice is yours - whatever anyone else thinks.

You say it's hard to imagine having a normal life. That's not surprising - there's no such thing as a normal life, after all. Each person is unique, so everyone takes a different path through life. You have to find your own way. This may sound daunting, but it's also liberating.

Try to set aside all your reasons for inaction. If you try to do something to improve your situation, you may fail. On the other hand, you may succeed. What's certain is that if you do nothing, you'll continue to feel trapped and miserable. Isn't even the smallest chance of success better than no chance at all?

If you still feel unable to take action, make an appointment to see your GP. Some people who feel as hopeless as you are feeling need a course of antidepressants or some sessions of cognitive behavioural therapy to enable them to start taking the steps necessary to improve their situation.

Next week

Which woman should I choose?

I'm 27 and have been with my partner for five years, and living with her for four. Things moved quickly at first, with talk of marriage and children, both of which I don't think I want. She says that a time may come when her maternal instinct outweighs her desire to stay with me, but I feel I may remain equally unprepared to compromise on this issue. She has awesome talents and qualities which I love, but is not particularly cerebral, and I'm frustrated that she rarely engages with me intellectually. We bicker, but in general we're open and loving with one another and agree on important things (barring marriage/children). I feel secure and happy, but also stuck and old.

Recently I met someone who makes me feel like a teenager. She is a teenager - she's 17. We met through a project we were involved in and although we haven't seen each other since it ended, we've exchanged long and occasionally flirtatious emails. In a sense, age is immaterial: she's funny, politically aware challenging, strong, talented and beautiful. But she obviously lacks maturity and experience. I know I mustn't take advantage of her. I want her friendship, but I'm kidding myself if I say I don't want more than that.

Is this an early seven-year itch? Should I master my urges and grow up? I've been an inadvertent cad before and I don't want to hurt anyone.

What should I be asking myself?

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