• Women often get a bit bigger when they're pregnant. Prepare for this by buying bigger clothes, or maybe some sacks.

• Childbirth can be a painful experience. Alleviate this by singing happy songs from childhood. Drugs, too.

• Babies are smaller than adults, so don't dress your baby in your clothes. Instead, buy special "baby clothes", which are like normal clothes but smaller.

• When water comes out of your baby's eyes, your baby is not leaking – your baby is crying.

• Babies sometimes cry (see above) when they are hungry. Soothe your baby by giving it some milk, or maybe some gin.

• If your baby does not talk to you, this does not mean your baby doesn't like you. Babies cannot talk.

• When your baby keeps you up all night you will not look so pretty the next day. This is because you will be tired.
• When it's time for your baby to sleep, put it in something called a "cot". For warmth, add blankets.

• When your baby makes a little poo, get someone else to change its nappy because that is disgusting.

• Babies cannot eat yummy British foods such as shepherd's pie or drink Pimm's because they are babies. Instead, either buy your own baby food or make your own. Yum!

• When you want to take your baby down the street, try using a pram instead of a wheelbarrow or wheelchair.