Splendid to see Ewan Hoyle, founder of Liberal Democrats for Drug Policy Reform, sticking it to conference from the fringes, over the leadership's timidity on the issue. I particularly liked his interesting fact about diamorphine, which was that its cost is a fifth that of methadone.
Why then, are heroin addicts treated on the NHS with methadone, not diamorphine? Well, it's because use of an opium-based product is being treated, rather than addiction. Methadone is more toxic and habit-forming. But it's never enjoyable, so it's more moral. Discuss.
Discuss? I don't mind if I do, perhaps using a telling anecdote. I had an operation recently, and when I came round, I was literally feeling no pain. But the theatre nurse wanted to hook me up to a morphine pump, all the same. I protested, explaining that I had a high pain threshold and I'd rather see how I did without one. An argument ensued, and eventually the nurse, exasperated, cried: "Look! Have the morphine pump. It's really CHEAP." I surrendered.
Up in the ward, I tried the morphine pump. Horrible.
Later, I started to feel a bit of pain – not much – but when asked, I reported the sensation to the nurse. "That's because you're not using your morphine pump enough. Mostly, people use it every five minutes." I used it. Still horrible. The nurse then read my vital signs. My blood oxygen was low. "It's this morphine pump. I can feel it depressing my breathing. And it makes me drowsy. Do I have to have it?" Yes.
Anyway. Night came, I couldn't sleep and I was bored. I started using the morphine pump, just to help me nod off (or out). Time passed, and the medical staff gathered round in the morning.
"So," said the nurse, in a told-you-so way, "You did start using the pump, from about 2am!"
"Yes – but not for pain management, for boredom. You know, for the hit . . ."
The staff all locked eyes, looking horrified. "All right. We'll take it away."
So now you know. If a morphine pump you don't want is ever thrust upon you, just say: "Cool, man. I lurrrve morphine pumps." Then you won't get one.
