Over the past two-and-a-half years, the wide range of dilemmas you have sent to Private Lives, and the clarity with which you have articulated them, have taught me a great deal. In return, I thought it might be helpful if I explain how I go about trying to solve those dilemmas (which is also how I work in therapy). That way you will have something that might guide you, or at least get you started, when you deal with any psychological problems you may face in the future.
What I'm not going to give you is a set of instructions presented in an unvarying order. We are all unique, and so are the problems we all face. So any "one size fits all" approach to therapy is unlikely to be effective. You can learn a lot from those who are familiar with problems similar to your own, it's true. But the best solutions for you will be the ones you fashion yourself. Do bear this in mind if you ever seek professional help. Wise therapists - those whose help is worthhaving - will seek only to help you find your own way.
So what I will give you are some guidelines - nine of them, to be exact. They are the ones I use when I consider the psychological problems that are presented to me. I use some of these "filters" more often than others, but I rarely apply all of them to any one dilemma. The first and final guidelines are, I believe, applicable to everyone, but it will be up to each of you to decide which of the others seem most useful in your particular circumstances.
Trust yourself
You know yourself better than anyone else ever can. It's true, of course, that others will know more about the treatments or techniques you might choose to help you sort out your dilemmas. But no one knows more about you than you do.
Break your problem down into smaller parts
Many people feel overwhelmed and discouraged by the apparent enormity of the difficulties they face. However, if you make a series of small changes, things will start to feel more manageable. Choose to do something that will make a positive difference - however small - in your life quickly, say within one week. To illustrate how well this works, I often remind my patients of Milo of Kroton, a Greek tale recounted to me by Mary Beard, professor of classics at the University of Cambridge. Milo was famed for his strength, and one of his achievements was that he was able to lift a full-grown bull. He built up his strength by lifting a baby calf every day until it was fully grown. You can solve just about any problem if you simply break it down into small enough steps.
Clarify your aims
It's difficult to remain motivated to do the hard work involved in making life changes - in fact, I've found it to be impossible - unless you have a clear picture of how you want your life to be when that problem is sorted out. That's why I always ask my patients early on in therapy how they imagine their life will be when they no longer have the problem they've come to see me about. If they have little or no idea how to answer that question, they're not yet ready for the hard work that lies ahead.
Consider the role you yourself are playing in maintaining your problem
This is extremely difficult, and to do it you must be very honest with yourself. Try to step back from the situation and ask yourself if there's any way you can behave differently to make things better.
The power of this technique was brought home to me years ago, when an extremely experienced relationship therapist and I were working together with couples who were having severe difficulties. A young woman had come to see us on her own, and spent the entire session complaining bitterly about all manner of faults in her husband. My colleague asked her why he hadn't come along with her, and she replied that it was because "he'd never do such a thing". My colleague's response surprised me: "And why won't you let him?" he asked. This simple but powerful suggestion allowed the unhappy woman to realise that she was inadvertently encouraging her husband to maintain his negativity.
Seek out role models to inspire you
The most powerful role models in our lives will almost always be our parents or main carers. This is because we depended on them for our very existence when we were young, so we observed carefully and valued hugely everything they did. However, for reasons I don't fully understand, later in life we tend either to behave just as they did, or reject their approach totally. It takes time and effort to examine your attitudes and behaviours in order to adapt what you saw as a child - that is, to make it appropriate to your life as an adult - and few people manage to do this.
Furthermore, even if you do, it's unlikely that your parents would have shown you how to deal with every situation you will encounter, so it's wise to look out for other good role models to inspire you. Therefore, when you're feeling stuck, try to think of someone who's faced a similar situation and handled it well. What can you learn from that example? Don't limit yourself only to people who are "real" or present. Some of my best solutions have been inspired by characters in great novels or individuals who lived long ago.
Build on the positive rather than only trying to eradicate the negative
When you get rid of a problem or a bad habit, you will be left with free time. If you have not thought about how to fill that time productively, the chances are high that your difficulties will recur. Therefore, when you're formulating a plan to deal with what's troubling you, make sure that at the same time you choose and build up some positive behaviours and new constructive activities. That way you will be busy in fulfilling ways, so the old habits and attitudes will be less likely to regain a foothold.
Learn to forgive
You can't go back in time and change the past, so feelings of regret and guilt are, in my opinion, a waste of energy. Most people handle situations in the only way they know how, or as best they can at the time, so blaming them makes little sense. Instead, use your precious energy to deal with the present.
Don't expect to find only one answer
Too often, we look for one overarching solution to solve a dilemma. But that will almost never be effective. Far more often, there will be a number of things that you will need to do to sort things out.
Be prepared for change and expect to encounter problems throughout your life
When you're faced with a problem, do not despair. Whenever you encounter resistance, it's merely proof that you're alive and active, and it probably means your life is an interesting one. Only inanimate objects and the dead remain the same and never face problems. Whatever you try to do to solve your problems will teach you something, whether or not you succeed.
• This article is adapted from Linda's book Straight Talking. Her next book, The Happy Child: Everything You Need to Know to Raise Enthusiastic, Confident Children, is published in August by Piatkus books
