A letter to … My unborn baby

The letter you always wanted to write
  
  


Hello, I am your mother. You are in my belly, and will have been there for 26 weeks tomorrow. You are still very small, but I can feel you kicking every day. Some days, you kick more than others. When you are quiet, I worry there is something wrong – I hope you are just sleeping soundly, oblivious to my worry.

I have always been a savoury kind of girl, crisps being my guilty pleasure, but I have more of an urge for sweet things these days, which according to the old wives' tales indicates that you are a girl, my little girl. I have a feeling you are a little girl too, because I had terrible morning sickness until 21 weeks, as did your grandmother, who had three girls. If you are a boy I will be equally as pleased, my little baby boy.

I hope and pray every day that you are healthy and will not come into this world with any difficulties. But if you do, I promise I will step up and face the challenges for your sake, to give you the best life.

Sometimes I feel a bit anxious about the prospect of being a mother and having responsibility for another life. I worry that I will fail you, that you won't be happy when you grow up, and it will in some way be my fault. After you are born, I am going to quit my job and try something new. The problem is that I don't know what that new thing is yet, but I want it to be something I'm passionate about because I want to be a good role model for you. I want my life to be more than just about you, so that you learn to be independent and follow your dreams as well. I hope that doesn't sound selfish. Believe me, I don't feel that way. For all I know, I may never find the thing I'm looking for, but I will continue trying for you.

I want you to know how much I love your father. We are lucky to have found each other, in China of all places – just pure luck. I hate to think we might have passed each other by. Your father is a good man with the best intentions. He is kind to me, patient and considerate. And so excited about meeting you. I think there was a lack of intimacy between him and his father, and I know he will do anything to avoid that with you.

I hope I still love your father as much when you read this as I do now. I hope he loves me too. Life can be unpredictable and cruel. I hope we are strong enough to keep our love strong. One thing I know is that we will both still be madly in love with you – unless you turn into a junkie or a murderer, but, well, maybe even then …

I wonder what you will think of me when you read this. As I write now, I have no idea when I will give this letter to you. Perhaps you will be 15 and hormonal and hate me, and wonder why your father ever married me. Perhaps you will be expecting a child of your own. Perhaps I will be dead.

All I know is that now I am just a girl, as your father is just a boy. We have experienced great moments of happiness with family and friends at parties, festivals, holidays, travelling. We have those heartwarming Polaroid sunrise moments that you don't want to forget from wild nights with friends on balmy summer evenings, with our favourite bands playing in the background. We are young and carefree and wear trendy clothes and love music, and that's all about to change.

I guess I just want you to know that we were young once and that we are full of character and passion and love for simple things. I think this is something that children can't quite grasp about their parents, I certainly couldn't with mine. I hope I am still the person I am today, but better and stronger and more open when you read this. I want you to know that I am so looking forward to meeting you, and that I want the change you will bring in my life. I hope you like me.

Your mother

 

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